At this Moment
by JaneIsles
Summary: Despite everything that kept them apart it is finally time to look forward and be there for the one person you love and try everything you have to make it work. RIZZLES
1. Chapter 1

**Set a few hours after their argument in 1x05. The song is 'At this moment' by Michael Buble. R & R appreciated. I don't own anything. **

_What did you think,  
I would do at this moment,  
When you're standing before me,  
With tears in your eyes  
Tryin__' to tell me that you  
Found you another  
And you just don't love me no more_

She walks down the stairs, hearing nothing but the sound of her own heels on the cold stone floor beneath her shoes. She wasn't quite sure what she was about to do, heading for the place she uses to work in almost every day. She never gave it much of a thought but the whole room suddenly seemed brighter and bigger. So big that she sometimes felt lost; so calm that it sent a shiver down her spine.

She turned off the lights because it hurt her eyes and listened but there was nothing except terrible silence in the middle of the night. She shouldn't be there since there was no job to take care of. She wasn't quite sure whether to be happy about it or not. No body meant any new deaths or people being brutally killed, but having nothing to do didn't do her any good either.

She could be at home in bed, feeling warm and comfortable but ever since it happened, it didn't feel the same any longer. Nothing really did.

How many times had she looked at her best friend, thinking that there is no one else she adored more in her life? She lost track of how many times Jane made her smile during a troubled case; she missed ever minute they spent chatting whenever Jane needed a break from her paperwork. She longed for the sleepovers and the drinks after work.

She wrapped her arms around her body, feeling somewhat cold. The feeling of being surrounded by death had certainly never been more present but she couldn't get her body to leave the room. Where should she go?

Upstairs to find the detective's desk empty; loaded with all the cases that she never managed to finish. She might encounter Korsak or Frost and she couldn't bare the looks they kept giving her. It didn't help at all and she didn't feel like talking.

Home?  
She felt so lonely, knowing that Jane wouldn't knock on her door in the middle of the night because she felt like coming over or her mum spontaneously decided to pay her daughter a visit. Sometimes she caught herself looking at the door, waiting for her to knock.

When did she start taking everything for granted? She laid her face in her hands and sighed; she felt utterly exhausted but couldn't find any sleep at night.

What did she think and when did it happen? She shook her head at her own stupidity, knowing that she went too far and now there might not be a change to take it all back; that she might not have the chance to sort it out. These thoughts kept bothering her and she was angry with herself but with the hours dragging by, it got harder to push them away.

She shouldn't have let Jane down, she understood that. She was wrong with what she did. The more she thought about it, the more she realized that there's something else. To what she feels when it comes to her best friend. She noticed she'd kept a distance recently and never knew why she behaved the way she did. Neither did Jane and Maura knew it drove her crazy.

The angrier she wanted to be with Jane; the more she realized that she loved her. Maura Isles was always the one knowing everything but Jane was the one person who left her speechless.

They always say she is a bad liar and maybe she should've tried harder this time. She should've lied.

It's been about forty-eight hours now. Whenever you wish time would pass as slow as possible, it seems to be vice versa. She wanted nothing but turn back time. Back to the night she faced her best friend in the parking lot after their fight. Things would be different; she would try harder.

While she left the dark morgue, her mind brought her back to the previous night. Every inch of her body was filled with pain; she had never seen her best friend so vulnerable. Jane Rizzoli the though detective, the strongest woman she knew. Mara also knew that Jane wasn't as strong as she sometimes pretended to be, but seeing her eyes flooded with tears broke Maura's heart and her body went numb; unable to stop her when she walked away.

This was the last time she saw her.


	2. Chapter 2

_And what did you think,  
I would say at this moment,  
When I'm faced with the knowledge,  
That you just don't love me ?  
Did you think I would curse you,  
Or say things to hurt you,  
Cause __you just don't love me no more._

She couldn't wait to get home that night. The argument with Maura was terrible and she regretted what she said but she wasn't ready to apologize; not tonight. She needed some time to think it over, to find out why she said it. She never meant to hurt her friend, but something tells her that this is exactly what she did tonight.

She was so angry with Maura because she stabbed her in the back today. She felt betrayed. The circumstances of their childhood couldn't be any different; in fact they are as different as possible. Today was the first time she realized that they did not move in the same worlds.

While Maura had rich parents and grew up with everything that comes along with it, Jane grew up in difficult neighborhoods and only knew too well what it feels like having less money to life with then many other people. She never gave it much thought though as an adult she knew she wanted a job with a steady income and nothing to worry about. Maura didn't have to work if she feels like, she'd never have to.

Jane never went to College; instead she went to Boston PD Academy and was fine with it. She turned College down, knowing her father would spend everything he had but she couldn't do it. The thought of that made her feel guilty although she was sad at some times. Things could've been different.

She was angry because Maura did the autopsy on a Sunday, for giving them more time with answering questions. All in all, she was angry because she put them in the spotlight. She felt left behind and less worthy although she'd never admit it. She was the one who didn't go to college, the one who never wears high heels or loves dressing up. She was the one getting straight to business, the one who doesn't mind swearing.

She had no right saying all the things she said and now that she's walking toward her car with the biting cold creeping through her coat, she wanted nothing more than spending the evening with Maura and feel comfortable again. Only she could do that but she was still too angry and she needed a night to think it through and calm down.

Several seconds passed until she heard the sound of heels on the pavement and her heart instantly skipped a beat. She knew it was her, it couldn't be anyone else.

'Jane', she said. It wasn't a question, she wasn't asking for her to come back she simply wanted her too and the sadness in that single work hurt her but she was determined not to show it.

She turned and watched her approaching, keeping a certain distance between them. They didn't speak for a while until Jane broke the silence.

'What now?' she asked calmly but with an undertone of peevishness. She never attempted saying it that way but couldn't help it.

Maura turned her head aside, facing the cold pavement for a few seconds.

'I'm still not sure what this is all about,' she said calmly but sad and Jane immediately wanted to hug her friend but her pride and obstinacy kept her from doing so.

'Oh, you don't? I thought you always do!'

'I was just helping friends. They just lost a family member' Maura said in defense, trying to be reasonable.

'Friends? I thought you didn't see them in ages and I never heard you talking about them!' Jane said, feeling the anger rising.

'I thought I am your friend! You see me every day and you weren't my friend in there.'

'You know that's not true Jane!' Maura said a little fiercer which actually surprised Jane. She studied the pathologist for an instant; she looked tired.

'Why does it feel like that, Maura?' Jane wanted to know. She took a deep breath, trying to oppress her emotions. She had enough on her plate at the moment; trying to find out who or what killed the Fairfield guy while dealing with a rich and stuck-up family whose members consider themselves above anyone else and a recent cop shooting that left the whole Boston PD in a state of shock. A needless argument with her best friend was the last thing she needed. It was complicated enough the way it is.

Jane shook her head, waiting for an answer.

'I don't know, Jane. I really don't', she paused for a moment, trying to find the right words; knowing that nothing might be right at that point. 'I really don't know what's going on in your head sometimes.'

'Tell me about it. I thought I knew you,' Jane said and Maura caught a trace of sadness in her words. If she wasn't mistaken, there was a glimpse of disappointment which made it even worse.  
'I thought I could rely on you. The way I always did but I was wrong,' Jane said and ran her hand through her hair.

In times of trouble you realize who your friends are; who you really are. She didn't want this argument, it wasn't right and she knew that the things she said or is about to say could damage things beyond repair. Some things could never be taken back because they were said for a reason.

'I'm not good at dealing with these people; this is not a world I'm comfortable in. Seemed so easy for you.'

'Yes, because this is who I am,' Maura said with a trace of bitterness. 'Right, this is my world. This is where I grew up! I can't help it, I didn't choose it!'

'You never seemed to mind,' Jane said and wanted to run away. This was not the way it should be, it didn't make sense.

'This is what we're arguing about?' Maura asked in disbelieve.

'No,' Jane said and felt the sadness becoming so overwhelming that it was hard to push it away. Only while being with Maura did she let her shield down, if she wanted it or not.

'It's about you not having my back while I was trying to do my job and all you did was insulting the way I did it,' Jane said and the look on her face hurt Maura. Her voice was calm, because she used all her strength to keep it steady.

'Sometimes I feel like I'm disappearing when I'm with you,' Jane said and it was barely a whisper. Maura took a step forward, wanting to reach out for her friend but her body refused to move.

'I feel like I'm losing you,' Jane said and there was so much truth in her words that tears welled in Maura's eyes but she tried to blink them away, taking a deep breath. 'Feels like I'm… I'm nothing.'

'You know that's not true, Jane,' Maura said and faced the detective. 'You are everything. For me, you are,' she said and their eyes locked.

Jane shook her head in denial. She couldn't deal with it now, she didn't want to hear what'd come next. She wanted to run away, she was afraid and hurt.

'Maura, please don't…' Jane said and her eyes filled with tears.

'I love you, Jane' she whispered and the words left her lips before she managed to think twice.

'No,' Jane said and shook her head, tears running down her cheeks. 'No, please… no…' She didn't know what to do. She was never good at this, she always knew there was something more but Maura was her best friend and she didn't want to lose her and she was afraid that this might just make everything a whole lot more complicated. She couldn't deal with it, it was all too much. Too many emotions for a single day. She felt desperate and helpless.

'Jane!' she heard Maura, begging her to stay. She knew Maura was crying, she could tell from the sound of her voice and it broke her heart, but she couldn't stay.

She hated herself at that moment, it couldn't have been worse. Her body refused to move once again and she watched her best friend walking away, feeling defeated.


	3. Chapter 3

_**N/A: I changed case timelines and a few little things here and there to make it fit my story. Just sayin'.**_

_Did you think I could hate you  
Or raise my hands to you  
Oh come on you know me too well!  
How could I hurt you  
When darling I love you  
And you know, I would never hurt you_

She couldn't find any sleep that night. Maura kept repeating the argument in her mind. All those words they said. She sat down in her kitchen without bothering to switch on any lights and held a glass of water in her hands. She was so exhausted by the time she got home that she thought she'd be asleep in no time and deal with everything the following morning, but she was wrong. Sleep was yet to come and she couldn't forget what happened.

She never noticed how Jane felt, that she might feel this way while being with Maura. She never seemed to mind because that's the way they are. She always failed to notice that there's something else. That Jane felt left behind and worse, she felt invisible when she was with Maura.

What did she do wrong? She couldn't tell. She never noticed it since Jane is everything to her. She's her best friend, the one who likes to keep things easy. She was always up for a bit of fun and she accepted Maura for who she is and nothing else. Jane is the strongest woman she knew and she loved her passion when it came to work and fight for the innocent. The way she'll do everything to find the bad guy. Maura loved the way she made her laugh and she loved her even more when there was no one else around. That was when she met a different Jane Rizzoli, the one that no one else knows as well as she does. Deep inside, there was a vulnerable and deeply caring person who wanted to be loved dearly for who she is. She's the one person she would trust blindly.

So did Jane, she thought and laid her face in her hands.

'_I love you, Jane.'_ She heard her own voice echoing in her head. She leaned her head on her right hand and stared into the darkness. She had no idea if Jane felt the same or if there was anything more than friendship at all. She should've paid more attention. Jane never liked talking about her emotions, but she should've asked.  
What did she think? It was neither the right time nor the best situation; she never meant to say it. She didn't want to loser her friend or destroy their friendship and she couldn't tell what Jane really meant to tell her before she left.

She was begging Maura not to say it. She knew it before the words left her own lips and she was begging her not to say it. Was it just bad timing or was she afraid of it? Afraid since it might ruin everything or because she felt the same, but didn't want to. Maura had no idea. There were so many possibilities and the only one knowing the right one was Jane herself.

It was past midnight when she couldn't stand it any longer. She was dresses in sweatpants and a simple shirt but she didn't care. She grabbed her car keys and her coat and left the house. She tried to come up with something to say while she drove on the deserted streets of Boston, but her mind was blank. She felt ridiculous for being nervous about facing her friend but ignored it after a few moments.

She knocked on her door and waited. It took too long and Maura didn't like it. She knocked again but it remained silent behind the door.

'Jane?' Maura asked and waited. 'Come on Jane, it's me. Open the door!' She let several minutes pass and leaned her head against the front door. That was so typical, now that she was out of bed she felt terribly exhausted again.

This was not like her. Jane would never leave her out there in the middle of the night without a single word.  
Maura cursed herself for not taking the spare key that Jane gave her, just in case. She expected Jane to be at home, she saw her walking toward her car. Where else could she be?  
Maura couldn't imagine that Jane went to her parent's house. As much as she loved them, she tried to avoid this as much as possible. She might have gone back to the PD, but she saw her walking to her car. She would've seen her, would she?

She called her mobile, giving up after several attempts. All she got was the 'not available' message. She heard her landline ringing, but no one picked up the phone. She didn't like it.

She decided to give Frost a call; they might still be around that lately. Having a cop shot in the middle of another investigation certainly didn't help but they'll try everything to find the one who did it as soon as possible.

'Frost?' he answered his mobile and Maura leaned her back against Jane's door.

'This is Dr. Isles,' she said and suppress a yawn. 'Is Jane with you?'

'No, she left a few hours ago,' he said. 'Everything alright?'

'Yeah…. No. I don't know,' she said and put her hand to her forehead, trying to keep a clear head. 'We just had an argument earlier and she walked away. I wanted to talk to her but she doesn't seem to be home and she doesn't answer her mobile either. Seems to be dead!' She was aware of the sound of fear in her own voice.  
'When did you see her the last time?' Frost asked again and she heard him getting up from his desk. She could tell from the sound of his voice that he wasn't too happy with that either. Ever since The Surgeon, they were quite alert whenever there was no sign of Jane. She hated them for that but they cared too much to drop it.

'In the parking lot. I saw her walking toward her car.'

'Hold on a second,' he said and she heard him talking to someone. 'I asked Korsak to check Frankie, see if he knows where she is. That's not like her,' he said.

'I know,' Maura said and sighed.

'Did you see her getting into her car?' he wanted to know.

'I… no. I don't think so,' she closed her eyes and tried to concentrate. She was tired. It was dark and she waited until she was out of sight, but she didn't actually see her getting into her car. 'No, I didn't,' she finally said and waited for an answer.

'Frankie doesn't know anything' he said. 'Wait a minute,' he said.

'What is it?' she asked impatiently.

'Her car is still in the parking lot. I can see it,' he said.

'I'll be right there,' she whispered and ended the call.

Her heart was pounding in her chest; she couldn't deny the fear that made her feel sick. Where was she?

'Don't be stupid Jane,' she whispered to herself, checking her mobile every now and then for an incoming call but it remained silent.

By the time she reached the parking lot, she saw Frost and Korsak waiting for her. They didn't call anyone else by now. There wasn't a reason to make a fuss, she told herself. There are a thousand possibilities of what could've happened or where she is.

She got out of her car, frowning at the cold and approached the detectives with fast steps.

'Nothing so far,' Frost said when she looked at him. 'Tell me again what happened.'

'We had an argument, something stupid,' she said and thought that they don't have to know everything. 'We were over there,' she said and pointed to the other side. It was almost around the corner.

'And you didn't see her getting into the car?' he asked again.

'I told you so,' she snapped. 'Sorry,' she added when she saw the shocked look on his face. Or was it surprise? 

'There's no sign of forced entry,' Korsak said and got down on his knees to have a closer look.

'She held her car keys in her left hand', Maura said. 'I saw them.'

Just at that moment Korsak reached beneath her car and pulled Jane's keys out. 'I don't think she left them here on purpose,' he said and got up.

'I don't like it,' Frost said

Maura leaned her back against the car and closed her eyes.

_Where are you Jane?_


	4. Chapter 4

_**A/N: Took me ages to finish this and I hope you like it. I wanted to wait a little, but… there ya go.**_

_**A/N: If anyone cares about that, I kept listening to David Hicken's 'Celeste' (Piano) while writing this. I love that song and it kinda had me in the mood.**_

_Did you think I could hate you  
Or raise my hands to you  
Oh come on you know me too well!  
How could I hurt you  
When darling I love you  
And you know, I would never hurt you_

Two and a half days.  
Sixty hours.  
Three-thousand-six-hundred minutes.  
Two-hundred-sixteen-thousand seconds.

No matter how she tried to describe the time that already passed since Jane is missing, it seemed unbearably endless.  
She lost track of how many times she cleaned her autopsy table or how many times she put her paperwork in perfect order. She already knew parts of it by heart.

She didn't sleep well the last two nights, there was still no sign of Jane and they honestly had no idea where to start looking for her.

Hoyt was still looked up in his cell where he was supposed to be but it wouldn't be the first time for him to lead things from behinds bars without anyone noticing. Of course he was the first one they checked. He always was and always would be as long as he's breathing.

The Pathologist respected the dead people and she'd never wish any person an untimely or violent death but this time she wished that Jane had killed Hoyt when she had the chance to do so.

Maura Isles was a peaceful person, always intending on harmonious surroundings. Most of all she loved being in control. Being in perfect control of her work; her appearance as well as her actions. She preferred being in control when it came to work; maintaining a certain level of distance always helped. She didn't want anyone challenging her authority or her abilities when it came to her job. Not that it ever was a problem since they all thought she was a little weird anyways. She never cared because they respected her in any kind of way and whenever they came to the morgue, she was the one in control.

She loved the feeling. She needed it and it made her feel safe. She had always been keen on keeping her private life and work apart, as long as possible.

Until she met Jane.

The first time she met the detective was quite a while ago but she still remembered every second of it. She couldn't say she liked her from the beginning but there was always something that fascinated Maura when the detective was around. It started with talking about cases, a few personal things here and there and they both enjoyed each other's presence more than they admitted. Since they were the only women working with the homicide unit, they needed to stick together; developing an unbreakable bond of inseparable friendship. Jane was one of the first people who accepted her for who she is and maybe they got along so well because she did the same in return.

Their conversations were followed by lunch a couple of times a week, the conversations turned more privately. They had regular sleepovers and it was never a matter of discussion and in no time, Jane became a constant part of her life and her work and she wouldn't want it any other way.

She chose working with the dead because they needed someone to speak for them and someone's got to do it. They wouldn't talk back or judge. They'd let her do her work the way she pleases; in full control.

She remembered times in which she welcomed the silence of the morgue; when a case let no room for any kind of private life, this clean and sterile place was the only space where she got a chance to find peace for a few seconds. She was used to every single sound in this room and she hardly ever recognized the silent humming of the refrigerator though she loathed it tonight.

Her palms rested on the cold metal surface of the table, her eyes closed. She took a deep breath and turned around, facing the corpse.

She prepared Danny's autopsy. Her assistant wasn't around and she didn't bother calling him in. Maura didn't have to do it tonight, but what else was there to do except waiting? She took her time; neatly preparing all her instruments, lining them up perfectly; the metal was still cold beneath her gloved fingers.

She had changed slowly, folding her clothes properly before putting them in the locker. The cotton fabric of her black scrubs was cold against her bare skin and she frowned. She caught a quick glimpse of her reflection before she left her office and didn't like it. She looked exactly how she felt; tired and worn out. Her hair was a mass; loosely tied back, dark shadows beneath her eyes. She usually took this second to shield all her emotions from sight but there wasn't anyone but herself.

The fluorescent light hurt her tired eyes and made her realize how exhausted she was but she couldn't rest, she wouldn't find peace until it was all solved.

She looked at his pale face; a dark spot on his forehead where the bullet hit him, straight into the brain. She used to talk to the dead bodies; expressing her thoughts loudly sometimes helped, but there wouldn't be any tonight. It'd remain silent.

She was too weary to speak, her thoughts too occupied. Everything was ready and her eyes fixed on her hands. She felt utterly drained, using all her strength to keep up her shield; trying to keep control. It suddenly required a tremendous amount of will power to force her brain to react and move her hands to start working on the cold body in front of her.

_A wife. Two kids._

The words meant nothing to her.

She performed her procedures as a necessary task. Her mind was detached from her work; her body simply performed well-known tasks. She needed to keep herself busy, she needed to stop thinking about things that might or might not happen.

_I love you, Jane._

The words echoed in her mind and she felt her body tense; severing her work for a second as sadness comes over her. She had thought about it for, how long? Weeks or months? She couldn't tell. She never intended on saying it, not without being one hundred percent sure. But would that ever have been the case?

She shook her head in silence.

What did she think? Springing it on her best friend in the worst possible situation certainly didn't help. Maura didn't know whether it was simply an act of desperation and longing to keep her close; keep her from leaving.

It was past midnight by the time she finished the autopsy. The silence was oppressing with no one to break it.

Deeply lost in her thoughts, she watched the hot water washing over her hands. It took so much strength to suppress her fear and the sadness that it was hard to breathe and choke back her tears.

'_Sometimes I feel like I'm disappearing when I'm with you,'_ her friend's voice echoed in her mind.

She wasn't willing to give in. She needed to be strong for herself and for Jane, no matter what.

Maura Isles stepped in her office, changing deliberately slow again. She had no intention in getting back to her empty house. She sat down in the chair, leaning back with closed eyes. It instantly felt comforting but it didn't last.

She didn't realize falling in love with Jane Rizzoli. It happened slowly, growing stronger every day. She used to be socially awkward around the living; she always was and probably always will. It didn't matter with Jane; everything was different when she was with her.

Whenever they were both extremely busy, she caught herself longing for Jane's touch. She already missed the sleepovers; sleeping next to Jane felt warm and comforting, it made her feel safe. She loved Jane when she made her laugh, loved her even when she embarrassed her.

She didn't remember the exact moment when it hit her. That night when she showed up in the morgue, wearing the gorgeous black dress? Every morning she woke up next to her, watching her sleeping peacefully? There were countless times and she recalled every one of them, but had she ever paid attention to Jane's reactions? Has there ever been more than friendship?

She laid her face in her hands and sighed, once again blinking the tears away. She decided to finish the reports and leave.  
This wasn't a time for negligence which is why she was suddenly very angry with herself when she realized that she left the paperwork on the other table. Once again she left her office, sensing every tensed muscle in her body.

She spotted the papers at the end of the table and walked around it to pick them up. In a careless moment the papers slipped between her fingers and dropped on the floor. She sighed and the moment she bent down to pick it up, her eyes filled with tears. All of sudden she didn't have the time to fight back as the burning tears ran down her cheeks.  
She set down on the cold floor, her back leaning against the table; Maura's body started shaking as she burst into tears.

'_I feel like I'm losing you,'_

No one would find her hidden behind the table at that time of the day, she could stay as long as she wanted and no one would know. She was beyond the point of caring when the sobs shook her body, releasing all the emotions that she bottled up during the last hours. The pain insider her chest was oppressing and she knew it would take time to heal.

Fear. Loneliness. Pain. Doubt. Frustration. Helplessness.

She always thought that crying was liberating but tonight it made her feel weak and exhausted.

The silence of the morgue was broken by her silent sobs and she could not yet raise the strength to get up and didn't know how much time passed until someone called her name.


	5. Chapter 5

_She wo__ke up and squinted when the bright daylight hit her eyes. She's not used to it, not knowing how long she had kept her eyes shut. She can barely move and her body feels stiff. Even breathing hurts for the first few times since it had been quite even the last hours, or was it days? She didn't remember. _

_She__ can't open her mouth because it's taped and she tried not to panic. She closed her eyes and tried to listen but there was nothing close. She heard cars in the distance; she was relieved when she was able to move her hands. They were not pinned to the floor._

_Where am I?_

_She__ carefully turned her head. It looked like a warehouse; one she didn't recognize. She sat on a chair, her wrists and ankles taped and she could hardly move them. _

_She had __a painful flashback of Hoyt moving the scalpel above her while she was pinned to the floor. She tried hard to push the images away and keep calm. This couldn't be, not again. _

_Her pulse quickened; her blood rushed in her ears. She had a headache and started feeling dizzy. Nothing changed when she opened her eyes to focus. There was no one around; daylight shone through a window above her though it was too high for anyone to see her. _

_That would be too easy, she thought. _

_She swallowed, her throat had gone dry. She let the moment of panic pass and tried to remember what happened. _

_She didn't have a chance to catch a glance at her watch; it was cloudy outside so she could hardly imagine what time it might be, let alone the day. Every attempt to remember what happened failed. She was tired and thirsty; she had a bad headache and felt like her head was empty. _

_She knew this feeling and she suddenly tasted something bitter in her mouth and it made her feel sick. A shiver ran through her exhausted body and she tried to concentrate, knowing that the drug probably erased a huge part of her recent memories. _

_She remembered the crime scene. She tracked down every little step, hoping it'll bring her any further. __She tried to relive every little thing as neat as possible, praying that her drugged brain would release some helpful information.  
She went to the Dirty Robber with Frankie after they found out about the surprise party for her brother Tommy and she wasn't happy about it._

_She got a call; a cop was shot and she left. She approached the crime scene with Korsak who'd been a little disturbed since he knew Danny's old man and a cop shot was always hard for everyone. __Maura was already there, examining the corpse. _

_She held on a second at the thought of her best friend. She felt a pang inside her stomach but she couldn't place it yet. There was something, she knew it.  
She thought of the fact that there were hairs missing from Danny's chest and her boss revealed that he worked for homicide, God how she hated that man._

_There was Bobby__, she thought and closed her eyes. The headache made it difficult to focus. She allowed herself a few seconds and tried again. _

_Bobby __ was angry because his partner had been killed. Her boss wanted her to take care of him because he might have information they didn't know about. She remembered not being too happy but she didn't have a chance. _

_What else was there? C'mon, she told herself. You gotta do it._

_She approached the corpse to calm down Bobby. There was more and she knew it. She tried to concentrate but her memory failed her. Her consciousness was dull, her mind felt empty and she was tired. It cost a huge amount of strength to move her hands, they felt lame. Whatever drug they put in her system didn't dissolve entirely yet._

_Her body started giving way to the fatigue and her eyes shut though she tried to keep them open and think. They sky clearly darkened since she fell asleep. Once again she forced her mind to retrack all her steps. _

_She bent down next to Bobby, what else was there? There was Maura, still examining the corpse. Again, there was the pain inside her stomach, something she couldn't name. She remembered their argument during the other ongoing case, but that wasn't all. She slightly shook her head, instantly wincing at the pain and kept her head still again. _

_Maura… Maura… she found something. There was something she handed her and she put it in an evidence bag. She saw herself taking whatever Maura handed her but she couldn't name it. She put it in her pocket and for an instant she thought that it is still with her but she put it in her desk drawer after taking care of Bobby. _

_She didn't know what happened after that. Her memory was clouded; she saw mute flashbacks. It seemed like someone recorded the whole thing and served her mute screen caps that captioned nothing but an instant. All these moments seemed familiar but she couldn't put the pieces together to finish the puzzle. _

_There was the argument with Maura that day and to her dismay she remembered every little detail. It happened early, too early to be affected by the drugs. She confronted her in the morgue and it suddenly seemed stupid to her but she had been angry at that time. She was still angry and hurt when she left the morgue and it kept nagging her all day. _

_She talked to Frankie that day but it didn't seem important though she wasn't sure either. It might've been about Tommy._

_Then she saw Maura's face. She felt sadness spreading inside her body. She had missed her friend badly that day but she was too proud and hurt to admit it and talk to her again. But there she was, a single picture in her mind. She looked sad and Jane always hated it. She couldn't take it, couldn't see her crying. Her lips moved but she couldn't make out the words. She heard them ringing in her head, but failed to make sense of them. _

_The last thing she saw was herself. She turned around, headed for her car and everything faded to black. _

_She shifted uneasily, trying to loosen the tape that kept her on the chair. Whoever did it, did a hell of a job since it didn't retreat an inch. The warehouse seemed deserted, there were no sounds except something she assumed to be cars in the distance._

_Jane felt desperate. How long will it take them to find me? Do they even have a clue where to start looking? She didn't have the slightest chance to communicate, she couldn't even scream for help. Despite the pain that shot through her body, she moved her head slowly; she couldn't see a door anywhere._

_She frightened when she heard an unfamiliar sound. Louder than the cars; she listened carefully when it became louder with every second. _

_Steps, she thought. Quite a few. Whoever it was, wasn't alone. As the sound got louder, she closed her eyes and tried to calm down, but failed. Her heart started hammering against her chest._

'_Hello Jane,' she heard him saying and the sound of his voice made her blood run cold; her breath quickened. The sudden fear rushed all her senses to live only to numb her the next second when she grasped what was happening._

_This couldn't be happening, she thought as she watched him approaching._


	6. Chapter 6

**A/N: I just wanna thank everyone for all the nice reviews. I really appreciate it and these little things always make my day :)**

‚Maura?' she heard him asking hesitantly as he walked through the glass doors. She recognized him immediately but wasn't sure whether she wanted to face him or not.

What if he thinks that I just forgot to switch off the lights before going home, Maura thought and at the same time she knew it was ridiculous. She would never forgot it, even he knew her that well. She thought about staying very still; he might not notice her.

She tried to inhale and keep her emotions under control but failed badly. She bit her lip and closed her eyes, but her body kept shaking and she felt fresh hot tears running down her cheeks. Even as she listened to his steps approaching, she did not move.

'Maura?' he asked again and walked around the table, spotting her behind it. Instantly she started to wipe her tears with the back of her hand, attempting to look fine.

'I just thought about asking you if you're fine but I'll spare you that one,' he said and sat down next to her. His voice was calm and soft. She did not speak when she felt his presence next to herself. Frankie Rizzoli always surprised her. He was so different compared to his sister. He was a lovely young man who secretly admired his sister and Maura couldn't blame him.

She liked him though they'd never been quite close. She turned around and faced him; he too had dark shadows under his eyes. He looked tired and a little worried though he obviously tried to hide it.

'Why did you come down here?' she asked. Her voice was a little hoarse and she wiped the fresh tears away. Once again, the fatigue started to settle.

'I don't know,' he honestly admitted and shook his head. 'I just felt like it'.

'Didn't know what else to do?' she said and a short laughter escaped her lips though there wasn't the slightest trace of amusement in it.

_She watched him approaching, her eyes fixed on her and slowly her fear turned into full blown hatred. She wanted to punch that smirk out of his face the moment it crossed his lips. _

_He took one last step forward and reached out to tear the tape off her face and didn't bother to hide his pleasure when she flinched. _

'_You fucking son of a bitch,' she hissed, properly filling her lungs with oxygen and it made her dizzy for a second. _

'_I always thought you were kinda sexy when you're furious,' he said and pulled a chair from aside and sat down in front of her. _

'_What do you want?' she asked and tried to keep her voice calm. She wouldn't do him the favor and let her temper take control, not yet._

'_Why so impatient?' he asks fully enjoying this. He might as well have asked her for a cup of coffee. 'I'd rather have a little chat first,' he said and she spotted the gun he was carrying._

He looked at the blonde pathologist and wasn't sure what to do. The doctor he knew was a strong and confident woman who talked too much but other than that seemed highly intelligent. She was professional, self-confident; always in control of herself and her surroundings. Frankie didn't remember a single second in which he saw her taken down by emotions; she always kept them out of sight.

Never had he seen her like this. A tired and exhausted woman full of sadness and pain. Seeing her crying made him uneasy. He'd never been good with women, especially not when they were crying. He knew her too well to know that she'd rather he didn't see her, but she certainly was beyond caring.

'They will find her,' he said as a matter of fact, staring straight ahead.

'It's been so long already…' she whispered and though she didn't like saying these words, she couldn't help. These thoughts kept lingering in her head.

What if?

'They will find her,' Frankie said again with determination. There was no doubt in his voice; it was full of hope.

He leaned his head against the table and Maura closed her eyes again. She felt her body getting rigid and cold. The floor wasn't quite a pleasant thing to sit on. They both went still; lost in thoughts. There wasn't much left to say at that point.

'We had an argument that night,' Maura whispered and the painful memory of that moment and everything that followed made it hard to speak.

_Jane had never been afraid of guns. Not when she was carrying it; it gave her a sense of authority and it made her feel safe. She never understood why some people felt uneasy while having guns around though they were a good thing to protect yourself or other__s. In the right hands. _

_Seeing the gun in his hands without a chance to protect herself made her nervous._

'_You gonna talk to me no__w, Rizzoli?' he wanted to know, always keeping his eyes on her. _

_She decided to give him the silent treatment; it's been going on for about an hour and he was patient, but she didn't know how much longer that'd be the case. She tried to buy some time to think and keep her head clear. She still didn't figure out how to get out of this._

'_What do you want?' she asked. Her throat was dry; she couldn't remember the last time she had something to drink. She remembered being vaguely awake at some point after being abducted. They did give her some water and she was sure as hell it was drugged.  
She wasn't going to beg for it. Not yet._

'_I think you know that pretty well.'_

_It wasn't the first time she heard him saying that. Rizzoli was good with lying to suspects when she wanted a piece of information; she was good with playing dumb when it was needed but this time her mind was blank.  
Not because of the drugs; she really had no idea what they wanted and it drove her crazy._

'_Don't fuck with my, Rizzoli,' he said and got up. She didn't like it; she wanted to keep him in full view, knowing what he was doing._

'_Am I supposed to be scared?' she asked._

'_Considering your situation,' he simply said. _

'_Tell me,' she said and her voice had an impatient undertone. 'I really don't know what you want,' she said; she was tired of that game. The sooner she knew what this was all about, the sooner… what?_

_They'd just let her go? Certainly not. _

_She heard him taking a deep breath; he was close to her but she couldn't see him. She listened carefully and he took his time. All of sudden her gabbed the chair with both hands and turned her around. _

_She tried to keep calm and flinched at the sudden changed of her position. She still didn't a chance to move her feet or hands._

'_I want that fucking pack of cigarettes!' he shouted and she held her breath. And suddenly scales fell from her eyes._

_That was the piece she kept missing. Maura passed her a pack of cigarettes that she found in Danny's pocket._

_But Danny didn't smoke._

Maura didn't go any further at that point and Frankie tried to come up with something to say, instead he just looked at her, waiting for more.

Why am I telling him that? She thought. To be honest, there wasn't anyone else to talk about and he knew Jane better than anyone else. Excluding herself.

'At first, I had no idea what the whole thing was about,' she said and her voice got calmer and she didn't have any strength left to cry. 'It was stupid.'

She took her time, trying to think of the next thing to say without revealing too much. She didn't want to tell him that she made his sister feel miserable; she felt ashamed for not noticing.

'It was just… one thing leading to another…' she said.

'Sorry to hear that,' he answered and after a moment of consideration:' I thought Jane seemed different the last time. There was something, but I couldn't tell and I knew better than to ask.'

'Yeah…' Maura asked and the sadness seeped back into her voice.

'You're her best friend. I don't think there's anything that can keep you apart for long,' he said. 'It'll be fine, don't you think so?' he said and waited for an answer. In fact he knew that Jane was different when she was with Maura. She trusted her the way she trusted no one else. She let Maura touch her without withdrawing; she even seemed to enjoy it.

'She walked away from me,' Maura said and Frankie looked at her with a questioning look on his face.

'Why would she do that?'

'I told her that I love her,' she whispered and the familiar pain insider her chest was back for a second. She didn't plan on telling him but she couldn't take it back either.

It took him quite a few minutes to react to that until he admitted:' I have no idea what to say.'

'Just don't…' she whispered.

_They left her in the darkness and took their time returning. _

'_We're going to take a little walk tomorrow,' he said and approached. _

'_Where are you taking me?'_

'_Oh come on, can't tell you. Would spoil it all,' he answered and she knew he was still enjoying this very much._

_She kept very still when he got a knife out of his pocket and her heart started hammering against her chest. Much to her relieve, he started cutting the take that tied her wrists and ankles._

'_And just because I'm so nice, I'll let you sleep somewhere else tonight. Not good if your body is all stiff, not planning to carry you all the time.'_

'_How lovely,' she answered with false sweetness._

_He took her upstairs; none of his little helpers was around. She didn't speak or do anything stupid when he let her use the bathroom and showed her a little storage room; she spotted a bed in one corner, shelves with books on the other side. _

_There was no chance to get out of here, nothing she might use as weapon. Hell, she wasn't McGyver, she thought as she considered her options in the bathroom. She knew better than to jeopardize her look. They would not kill her tonight; they'll take her somewhere tonight. Maybe her chances will be better._

_He lead her into the room and turned around one last time before leaving her, an ugly smirk on his face._

'_Maybe I'm not such a bad guy at all,' he said and held up a key. 'Just to be sure.'_

_She stared into his face and tried hard not to jump up and punch him in the face. He was just one person; she'd done that a million times before. With the difference that she was at full strength and a hell of a lot more possibilities._

_She was a cop and so was he. He knew her to well and would defeat her in no time; in addition to that, he was still armed. _

_She stared into his face one last time and couldn't believe that only hours before she had comforted the cop who was deeply irritated by the death of his partner. Not for once did she consider that it actually was his fault and that he didn't give a damn._

_She never expected Bobby to be one of the bad ones. _

He waited by the door until she locked everything and turned off the lights.

'You want me to take you home?' he asked calmly and she knew why she actually liked him a lot. He was such a kind and polite man.

'Don't worry, but thank you very much,' she said and finally shut the door to the morgue.

The streets seemed deserted when she left the parking lot. She tried to concentrate on driving without thinking too much. When she stopped at a traffic light, she turned her head and spotted Jane's key in her bag. She put it in there before she left her house early in the morning.

Without considering it twice she took a different route, heading for Jane's apartment.


	7. Chapter 7

**A/N: Sorry it took so long; I'm quite busy at the moment. Got a lot of things on my mind though I hope you'll like this one anyways.**

As she walked up the familiar steps she felt the fatigue slowing her down. She unlocked the door, knowing that the apartment would be empty. Jane won't expect her this time. She won't open the door dressed in sweatpants and her Boston PD shirt, her hair nothing but a mess; and a smile on her lips. Maura always loved that smile. It was cute and sometimes tired but she adored it every time it crossed Jane's lips.

Maura didn't bring a sleeping bag; she didn't care and she was pretty sure that somewhere in Jane's wardrobe she'd find something to wear. She didn't even plan on staying since she had no idea why she came in the first place. She knew Jane's apartment as well as her own home. She spent so many nights there but she'd never been alone before.

She switched on the lights when she stepped into the apartment and it remained silent.

What did she think? That Jane was here, hiding in the dark while everyone is looking for her? It was ridiculous and she knew it. She dropped her bag on the sofa and her hand slid along the fabric.

How many times did she fell asleep on the sofa while watching a movie with Jane's arms tightly wrapped around her body? There were countless times but she savored every single one. She was safe with Jane; she would never let anyone hurt her, Maura knew it.

It's one of the things that she loved about her friend. The way she passionately protected every one she loved even though she hated being protected herself. But did she really love Maura that much or did she go too far?

Maura sighed and walked around the sofa to sink into the pillows; every part of her body aching with fatigue and fear.

She won't tell anyone that she'd been here; they didn't need to know. She didn't even know what she was doing here herself. There was nothing she could do, nothing to expect. Slowly, Maura got up and decided that she didn't care. She didn't want to justify her decision; she came here because she wanted to.

She approached the fridge though she wasn't hungry. Knowing Jane there won't be much food anyways. She took out everything that had gone off and made a mental note to buy some food when Jane's back.

She didn't know whether to laugh or cry at that thought. She silently watered whatever was left of Jane's plants and closed the bathroom door. She leaned her tired body against the door frame, looking into the empty bedroom.

The covers on the bed were a mess; just like Jane. Maura remembered the mornings she woke up next to her friend; the silent moments she watched her friend sleeping soundly. She loved the way the sunlight glistened on her soft skin. She always felt a little selfish doing that; knowing that her friend didn't have a chance to say or do anything while she took her time admiring her in silence.

Maura took a deep breath and walked into the room and opened the wardrobe. She scanned the arrangement of clothes and spotted her own between Jane's but didn't reach out for it. She held on for an instant, thinking of her parents. There was a sense of guilt which made her feel awful. She didn't call Angela and a part of her felt that she should have. But then again Frankie probably called them. All the time, Maura had been busy with her own fears and her pain that she didn't even consider offering someone else comfort. It made her feel selfish and guilty though she knew that she wouldn't be able to deal with Angela Rizzoli right now. She was barely holding up herself and she knew that dealing with her mother wouldn't do her any good either. She just couldn't do it.

Her hand slid along the fabric of the clothes; she stopped when she spotted Jane's Boston PD shirt and pulled it out. It felt cold between her hands but it still had Jane's scent on it. Maura sat down on the edge of the bed, slowly taking off her clothes.

She was overwhelmed by how tired she was and how painful every breath suddenly seemed to be. It took an incredible amount of strength to breathe evenly; sensing the pressure on her chest. She looked at the side of the bed that was usually 'hers' but she didn't move over, taking Jane's side of the bed.

Just for now, she told herself.

It didn't take long for Maura to fall asleep soundly; her body finally demanding his essential needs though she didn't know that a phone call would disturb her sleep in just a few hours.


	8. Chapter 8

_Her eyes opened countless times that night; she was alert at every sound that reached her ears. She needed to know what was going on. Now that she had a chance to glance at her watch she was none the wiser.  
It was 3.18am.  
She was exhausted and the lack of food and water didn't make it any easier. She slumped on the thing that she didn't even want to consider a bad and tried not to think of all the things that might've happened in this room. _

_The worst thing was that she didn't really know what was going on. She knew that they wanted the pack of cigarettes. But why? She didn't notice anything special when she took it from Maura. There was nothing unusual about it; not at first sight. Considering the circumstances, she didn't bothering checking it more thoroughly.__ She planned to lock the bag in the evidence locker but she got distracted. _

_She laid her head in her hands, trying to think. _

_This was insane. They couldn't just walk into a Police Department; holding a Detective hostage and expect everyone to back off. There would be security checks and police officers to name just a few. And there would be guns. _

_But maybe that was the point. They'll take Jane with them to make sure they won't be disturbed. They wouldn't risk a colleague's life just like that. She shook her head; she'd been present at a couple of hostage-takings. Keeping in mind that Bobby used to be one of them didn't make it better either. He knew the PD, knew how they worked._

_There'll be so many innocent people in danger, even the thought of that made her furious. She looked around the room again; there was no way to get out or contact anyone for help. _

_She felt a lump in her throat, thinking of Maura. She would be there too. Jane had no idea when they'd leave and all she could do was pray that, for some reason, Maura won't be there when it happened. _

_Please don't let her be there, she thought._

_Jane leaned her head against the cold wall beside her and closed her eyes._

'Maura, please don't…' Jane said and her eyes filled with tears.

'I love you, Jane' she whispered and the words left her lips before she managed to think twice.

_Again, she heard her friend's voice and the sudden sadness made it hard to breathe. The next time she opened her eyes, the room was blurry when tears welled in her eyes._

She was rudely awakened by a piercing sound, squinting as the bright sunlight reached her eyes. It took her a couple of seconds until her mind processed that her phone was ringing. She stumbled out of bed, her body still stiff from her sleep.

Her pulse quickened faster, her heart pounding insider her chest. Her mind was focused on location her phone. Maura grabbed her bag and turned it upside down, emptying its content on the sofa; this wasn't the time be neat.

The fingers that used to move so precisely while holding a scalpel, the hand that used to move with as much rigor were shivering as she reached out for her phone.

'Dr. Isles?' She said and her body dropped on the couch. She was wide awake by now.

'This is Frost,' she heard his familiar voice though she didn't like its sound.

A thousand thoughts suddenly occupied her mind. Did they find her? How was she? Please tell me everything is fine; please tell me she's still alive. She silently pleaded, trying to swallow her pain.

'Where are you?' he wanted to know and she hesitated a second before she answered his question.

'At home,' she quickly answered and jumped up from the couch; trying to get into a pair of Jeans without dropping the phone. She knew something was going on, she had to be ready. 'What's going on? Did you find her?'

He noticed the desperate and pleading sound of her voice but didn't comment on it; he didn't blame her.

'No,' he answered and by the sound of his voice she painfully remembered that she wasn't the only one suffering. She felt like the disappointment slowed her down and she tried hard to remain focused.

'I wanted to make sure you're not at work already,' he said and it surprised her a bit. She grabbed her coat, her wallet and the car keys and was out of the door before he finished the sentence.

'Something's going on here' Frost said.

'Where the hell are you?' she asked impatiently as she dashed down the stairs.

'In front of the Police Department. Someone's in there Dr. Isles; no idea what's going on yet but they went in quite early when we were still running low on staff.'

'Is she…?' she asked and started the engine of her car.

'I don't know,' he answered.

'See you in a few minutes,' she said and threw her phone on the passenger's seat, heading for Schroeder Plaza.

_The sun was barely visible on the horizon when she caught a glimpse of the sky; filling her lungs with fresh air. No one said a word during the ride; she just leaned back and waited. She wouldn't protest and cause them trouble. Not yet.  
_

_Bobby knew her. He probably expected her to be resistant; she may have confused him. There were more people with them now. _

_Of course they couldn't hold her hostage in a Police Department with only three people. Going in that early in the morning was the best thing, she thought, ignoring the circumstances. Police Officers and Detectives on-call would be in and out but there aren't that many people around. Not before the change of shifts.  
She had to be quiet. She had to make sure she'd get to the PD as safe as possible. She knew this building as well as Bobby did. She felt home there, more confident when she moved through the familiar corridors. _

_Her gun was there, too. She had no idea what was about to happen and if she'd even have a chance to get close to her gun but she'd try. She'd get back to her old self; the quick-tempered detective and fight with all her strange to get out of his grip. And protect the ones she loved. _

_She didn't know if Frankie worked today, she wasn't even sure what day of the week it was. She leaned her head against the window and closed her eyes; the warm sun tingling on her cheek. _

_Her senses started to focus, every cell in her body tried to prepare her for what laid ahead. She tried to be calm and reasonable. That usually was her problem; it was Maura's part to cover these aspects._

_During the last hours, she tried her best to think positive and keep a clear mind, trying to find a solution. This was exactly what kept her going. Her temper and her anger when it came to hunting down a perp but this was different. Jane was, after all, just human. She wasn't invincible although she pretended to be. _

_What if? She heard a silent voice asking again and again. What if I won't have a chance to defend myself? What if this turns out badly? Will I ever see them again? Feel the warmth of the sun on my face; mock Frankie when he tries to impress me or listen to my mum driving me crazy? Will I ever wake up beside Maura again; inhaling the sweet scents of her perfume, taking the warmth of her body and watch her sleeping soundly?_

_She felt the sadness returning but forced her mind think of something else. She couldn't afford to show signs of weakness now; she wouldn't do them the favor. _

_She waited and felt her heartbeat pounding in her chest when the car slowed down. They used the rear entrance of the morgue. Jane had never been a faithful person but this was the time to send a silent prayer to God, hoping that Maura won't be there. _

_A wave of relieve washed over her when she spotted the empty and neatly tidied morgue in the semi-darkness. It was just the way Maura would leave it behind after a long day at work. _

-  
By the time she approached the Plaza, it was packed with cruisers and she spotted a dozen Police Officers standing by their cars, watching the building. She knew most of their faces, remembered them walking by though there were quite a few she couldn't name. She got out of the car, quickly heading toward the people she worked with almost on a daily basis.

'What's going on?' she asked, getting straight to business. This wasn't just another crime scene, this was different. Everyone knew that though they had no idea Jane was inside that building.

No one dared to interfere in the conversation when the Queen of the Dead came into view and directed her question at Frost; Frankie Rizzoli regarded her quietly for the moment.

'We got at least ten armed men in there. Went in through the rear entrance of the morgue and spread through the building like greedy bees.'

'What do they want?' Maura asked; her eyes on the building. The sun already illuminated half of the front.

'I wish we'd know,' Frost admitted.

'They didn't try to contact anyone?' she asked surprised.

'We heard two gunshots an hour ago. They sent a warning, not to come in. It's been quiet since then.'

'You didn't react when you heard the gunshots?' she couldn't believe it, she didn't want to. Only when the nearby officers turned their heads did she notice that she had raised her voice more than she intended to.

'We don't know if anyone was shot, could've been a lock or something,' Crowe threw in and she looked at him, not bothering to hide her resentment.

'They tried contacting whoever's in there. Problem is they could be anywhere,' Korsak said.

'Well the building isn't _that_ huge,' every one noticed that the Pathologists patience was wearing thin and that she wasn't her usual self these last days but they didn't dare mentioning it. 'There must be something you can do!'

She turned around to sit in her car and wait.

What for? She laid her face in her hands and took a deep breath. She had no idea if Jane was in there or not; they didn't even know who took her. This was ridiculous, but something told her that it's the last chance. This couldn't be a coincidence. Thinking of Jane being inside that building filled her with hope but it also made her feel helpless.

She would be so close and still out of reach. Most of all, she'd be in danger. Jane was strong and she knew how to take care of herself but no one knew what happened to her during the last days. A part of her wasn't sure if she wanted to know the truth.

She opened her eyes when someone tapped against window and opened the door to slide in the passenger's seat.

'I hope you don't mind,' Frankie said and closed the door.

'No.'

They didn't speak as they stared straight ahead at the building. Several minutes passed before the silence was broken.

'Do you think she's in there?' she whispered.

He shook his head silently.

'I wish. At least we'd she's there somewhere. That she's still…'

'Alive,' Maura said and inhaled sharply.

Another minute or so passed until she saw him turning his head from the corner of her eye. She leaned back in her seat.

'Nice shirt,' he said as a matter of fact. She looked down at herself and noticed that she still wore Jane's Boston PD shirt; Frankie wasn't stupid.

Maura let that pass without a comment and hugged herself tightly. When she turned her head to face him, she saw him suppressing a grin.

'I won't tell her,' he said and she noticed how tired he looked. He knew things got more difficult every day and he still tried to be reasonable and matter of fact. Something she was past with.

Maura leaned her head on her hand and looked out of the side window, avoiding Frankie for an instant. A smile crossed her lips, but the silent laughter was filled with sadness.

Tell her, she thought. Tell her everything. I will do so. And she knew she'd keep that shirt, no matter what.

They both went back to silence until something moved behind the front doors of the Police Department.


	9. Chapter 9

**A/N:**** Thank you all for the reviews. They really make my day xD I hope you enjoy the next chapter… let me know what you think! I kinda love the Frankie/Maura friendship thing. Never planned that to be honest but I think it's kinda sweet… Just sayin' :)**

_I'd fall down on my knees  
Kiss t__he ground that you walk on  
If I could just hold you  
I would fall down, down on my knees  
Oh God, please  
Let me hold you, let me hold you,  
Again._

It was one of those moments when everything appears to move in slow-motion; when the fear freezes your body; everything refuses to move. The moment when time seems to stand still; an instant in which you take a deep breath, out of happiness, shock or fear; a moment of endlessness when you don't dare to exhale because the next step is still unknown, because it might change everything.

A situation, a relationship or a life.

Seconds that suddenly become never-ending; paralyzing your body. Only than do you realize that you're at someone's mercy, helpless and lonely. You're not the one in control; you're just a terrified bystander, secretly wishing you were somewhere else. Some place far away where there's no need to be afraid.

It's one of those instants when the world seems to stand still. Your body stiffens and all of sudden you're deaf to everything else happening around you. You're eyes are fixed on a certain point; you're completely taken in by whatever you see.

Maura's eyes were frozen on the front door, awaiting the next motion. Everyone's gaze was glued to the entrance and no one moved, holding their breaths. She saw the terror written on their faces, their mouths opening when they started shouting, but she didn't hear them.

She sat motionless in her car, not aware of the person next to her any longer. Her breath went flat and the sound of her quickening pulse was overwhelming, hammering in her ears. She kept her hands wrapped around her body, silently watching as the scene started to unfold in front of her eyes. The first shock had worn off and everyone was moving, trying to get a grip on the situation.

Maura tried to call her senses to life, forcing her body to move. A wave of emotions rushed through her exhausted body and left her feeling nauseated for an instant. She was relieved, even happy for a second when her best friend came to view.

A sob rocked her body and her hands trembled. She's still alive. The question that no one wanted to ask, that no one wanted to have answered; the one that tortured them the last days was finally answered.

She was just a few meters away, out there on the front steps. She was so close; she wasn't dead. During the past days, Maura had been aching for Jane's presence. Her secret touches, her laughter and her voice. Falling asleep next to Jane suddenly seemed ages ago and she was yearning for someone close when she opened her eyes in the morning.

She didn't know if it'd ever happen again; If everything happened for the last time. She'd been afraid because everything seemed so long ago and she feared that she'd forget how it feels like to be in Jane's arms. To be with the woman she loved.

The reality just settled in and she started to grasp what happened right in front of her.

Jane is alive, but it isn't over yet.

Maura hardly realized how she got out of her car. Something was wrong, something despite the obvious. The police officers didn't dare holding her back. They all knew who she was; the Queen of the Dead who reigned the morgue with undoubted authority and perfection; so calm and deliberate, treating the dead with as much respect and dignity as possible that no one even considered getting in her way. They all knew who she was and that she earned herself permission to do things that others could only dream of.

What they didn't see is that she wasn't perfect and in control at all. She was an emotional mess with no idea what to do. She walked straight ahead to the front line where the detectives blocked the way, but what could she do?

She was once again entirely overwhelmed by all the things that happened at the same time. It felt like everyone was moving at rapid speed, and no one took notice of a lost woman within all that mess.

'Hold on, Doc,' Frost said calmly and he was the first one to stop her. She stood still next to him, closer to Jane than ever. It was Bobby who dragged her with him; the very person Jane offered comfort a few days ago after his partner was killed. The person they all knew and trusted, but they were wrong.

Something was wrong with Jane; she didn't fight back the way you'd expect her to. She didn't quite have a chance. Considering the fact that he held a gun to her head, keeping her tight to his own body. Her heart was racing in her chest and she realized that she was as helpless as her friend and they all watched the scene without moving.

There was nothing Jane could do, Maura thought. And there was blood; running down her cheeks, soaking her shirt. The dark liquid dangerously spread on her shirt and it didn't seem to ease off. It seemed to extravasate from her head, all over her face. Maura's sharp-mind and trained eye immediately told her that Jane suffered a blow to the head which also explained the fact that she didn't struggle.

She couldn't since her strength was easing. Maura was being rational; it was all she could do at that moment.

'Do something,' she heard someone screaming. 'Just do something… get her out there' she heard someone screaming until she realized that it was her own voice; begging them to save Jane.

She knew she was losing it and she also knew that there wasn't much to do. Jane was too close to him, they didn't have a chance, not without hurting Jane in the process. He wasn't stupid, Bobby knew how it worked and he used her as protective shield, knowing they would never endanger her.

Jane was screaming, struggling with Bobby's strong arms and he never envisaged her doing the job for everyone else; sacrificing herself to get a slight chance of getting out of this alive.

They all watched in horror as Jane used her last strength to get the gun away from her head; a straight bullet through the brain certainly was a definite death sentence. She forced the gun down and the shot cut through the silence like a sharp knife.

Jane released a scream of agony and they both went down. As soon as they realized that there was no danger any longer, they started to move; still in plain shock of what they'd just witnessed.

Maura was the first to reach her. She went down on her knees, reaching for her hand.

'Jane,' she whispered and her voice trembled as the last strength faded from Jane Rizzoli's wounded body.


	10. Chapter 10

Chapter 10

She was shell-shocked; holding her friend's lifeless hand.

Her heart was racing in her chest; deafening her as the panic spread inside her body. Her hands, that were usually perfectly still, were trembling as the fear of losing her best friend paralyzed her.

_What __am I supposed to do? _

'I need help,' she screamed at everyone around her; sensing the desperate undertone in her own voice.  
'Someone call 911!'

She tried to calm down and take a deep breath, attempting to keep a clear head as Frost and Frankie appeared next to Jane.

'Maura,' Frankie said; begging her to so something. It was like a slap, waking her up.

_She was a doctor; someone working with the dead though she'd gone through her medical training just like everyone else. _

'Okay… okay…' Maura said, trying to figure out what to do next. She reached out; the tip of her index, middle and ring finger touching her neck, trying to locate a pulse.

_Common Carotid Artery._

She tried to remember the countless nights as an intern, saving lives in the emergency room. There were enough gunshot victims to know what to do.

_Keep her calm, Maura thinks. Keep her save._

'Frankie,' Maura said. 'Take of your jacket and put it against her back, don't move her!'

As carefully as possible, Maura lifted Jane's shirt that was glued to the wound. Despite the blood seeping from the wound she realized the pink colored tissue; slightly burned skin. Maura gently slid a hand beneath Jane's body, locating the exit wound.

_Damn it. Kidney and liver. Please don't let the organs be damaged; please don't let the bullet have shattered a bone and cause her harm that Maura could not yet see._

'Straighten her legs carefully,' she told Frost. 'Don't lift them or the bleeding will strengthen,' she said and the detective silently obeyed.

'Where's the damn ambulance?' she hissed and made sure Jane's airways were free; her eyelids twitched; she was drifting in and out of consciousness.

_Time. Time is everything, that's what she remembered. What did the attendant always say? If you have a gunshot victim, time is all that matters. Gunshot wounds are so unpredictable that the victim has to be taken to the hospital within ten minutes after the incident._

'I need something to stop the bleeding,' she said to no one in particular but it only took seconds until someone handed her a blanket.

_They are all watching me._

She put the blanket on the entrance wound, releasing pressure as gently as possible; doing the same with the exit wound presented a bit of a problem. Jane fell on her right side, the exit wound facing the warm pavement beneath her own body.

She used both hands to keep the blanket steadily in place.

_Cover the wound. Maintain the pressure and keep everything from getting into the wound._

Maura watched in horror as the light fabric of the blanket was stained with blood; spreading through it faster with every second. She was used to cold blood and panic once again rushed through her veins as the warm blood soaked her own hands.

Jane's blood.

'Where the hell is the damn ambulance?' she almost screamed as tears blurred her vision. The Boston Medical Center was only three minutes away, why does it take so long to get here?

She's a doctor, watching her best friend's life draining from her body through her own hands and yet there was nothing Maura could do. She tried to suppress a sob, focusing on the situation.

_She's breathing, but her pulse is dropping._

'Come on, Jane,' she whispered and touched her cheek. 'Don't do that to me!'

_How did we end up here? _

The sound of the ambulance felt like a relief; a spark of hope that things can only get better. She didn't even allow herself to think of any other possibility.

As the ambulance halted on Schroeder Plaza, everything went very fast.

Maura backed away as the paramedics rushed to her side; watching her blood-stained hands. She felt them getting sticky as the blood started to dry, smelled the distinctive metallic smell of blood and it made her shiver in disgust. She wanted to wash it off her hands and run away but remained silent as she watched the paramedics taking care of Jane.

'What happened?' the older one asked and Maura stepped in, her mind focusing on the major details.

'Detective Jane Rizzoli was shot at immediate distance a few minutes ago,' Maura explained, her voice growing stronger; switching to professional mode. It was just a method of defense, blocking out the terrible truth but it was also what she could do best.

'Penetrating gunshot wound on the lower abdomen. She's drifting in and out of consciousness; she's breathing and the airways seem free. Pulse around 85, slowly dropping.'

She didn't know how much time passed until they finally loaded her into the ambulance; she felt like she was observing everything but not grasping what was going on.

'I'm coming with you,' she told the paramedic.

'We'll meet you there,' she heard Frost saying and watched them running toward his car before she closed the door.

She didn't remember the last time she went in an ambulance. It all appeared so unfamiliar and Jane remained the focus of her attention as the two paramedics prepared her for the upcoming surgery as well as possible.

_You look like you're sleeping, Maura thought. How many mornings did I watch you until you opened your eyes and greeted me with a smile? Will you __ever do that again, she wondered._

She was so lost in her thoughts that she didn't realize the car slowing down already; someone yanked open the door and the younger one took the lead; repeating exactly what Maura told him not too long ago.

She ran along the corridor, following doctors and nurses as they hurried Jane toward the OR.

_Time is all that mattered._

She wasn't in control here; this wasn't her territory. Her pace decreased as they approached the doors and she watched them disappearing through the pane; taking Jane away from her again and she was left alone in a corridor, the only sound reaching her ears was the sound of her own breathing.


	11. Chapter 11

**A/N: Italics are Maura's thoughts/memories. Enjoy :)**

She didn't know how much time passed until she heard steps approaching behind her. It couldn't be long since the BPD was in close vicinity to the hospital. The time was nothing compared to the endless hours that still lay ahead.

Frankie laid a hand on her shoulders, gently leading her toward the waiting area where they'll spend the next couple of hours that'd stretch well into the night but it didn't matter. She followed Frost and Frankie without a word and watched a couple of other cops turn up.

She sat down in one of the corners to lean her head against the wall, she was exhausted and didn't even realize that her hands were still covered in Jane's blood or that she was still wearing Jane's shirt. She noticed everyone talking in a hushed voice but she didn't make out what they were saying. She could tell, from the look on their faces that they were all worried or just came to the hospital as a matter of respect since Jane was one of them.

In the distance she watched Angela and Frank Rizzoli drawing nearer, closing the distance at a fast pace. Frankie greeted them with a hug and obviously explained what happened and that they couldn't do anything but wait.

Maura wasn't sure whether to like them being here or not. Of course they had any right to be here, they should be there for God's sake. She always appreciated the kind way Jane's parents treated her; they already accepted her as a part of the family and Maura was sure that Angela and Frank would do anything for her the same way they would for all of their three children. Maura couldn't be more grateful but sometimes Angela had a tendency of being overprotective and overdramatic. Surely this situation was hard on everyone and even Angela, who drives her own daughter crazy on a daily basis if she's at her best, had every right to be all churned up inside, but that was exactly the reason why Maura couldn't deal with her at the moment.

She was at the end of her rope and she was pretty sure that she couldn't take any more stress until this was over and she had a chance to recharge her batteries. She was ashamed because she was behaving so selfish, but she just couldn't do it.

She watched Frankie nodding toward her while her talked to his parents and she didn't even want to imagine what he told them. How she freaked out without being able to help her best friend out there? Or how he found her crying in the morgue? Or…

No, she thought. Please don't tell them what I told you. Don't tell them that I love Jane. At least not exactly the way they'd expect me to. She didn't move when Angela walked over and sat down next to her. Maura secretly held her breath, expecting her to say something but she kept quiet and leaned back in her chair. She closed her eyes for a second, aware of Angela Rizzoli's presence next to her.

Several minutes passed in silence as they watched more cops arriving, asking for the latest news; when she spoke, Angela's voice was strong and full of determination. It reminded Maura of the fact that Jane was so much like her mother though she didn't want to hear it.

'She will be alright. I know she will,' she said and turned her head to face Maura. 'You look like hell, love.'

She took Maura's hand, ignoring the dried blood.

Does she know it's her daughter's? I should be the one comforting her; I shouldn't be the one sitting here without knowing what to do.

'Why didn't you call us?' Angela asked and there was no accusation in her voice, just concern. 'You shouldn't have been alone.'

Maura was indeed overwhelmed with emotions, deeply touched by the concern she had for her while her daughter's life was in jeopardy.

'I…' she started and took a deep breath, trying to hold back her tears. 'I'm so sorry,' she whispered.

'You should get some sleep, dear,' she said, knowing that she could as well talk to a wall.

'I can't leave,' Maura said. 'I have to be here.'

'Okay,' Angela said quietly. She wasn't a person who easily surrendered but she knew she wouldn't get very far there.

'I… I have to wash my hands,' she whispered and got up. 'I'll be right back.'

She took a deep breath and chocked back her tears as she headed to the rest room.

As the hot water washed over her hands, she watched the blood dissolving from her hands; suddenly remembering the first time she heard of Jane Rizzoli.

_She came from sunny California; about to start a new life. She'd filed for divorce only months before she arrived in Boston and had packed her bags the day it was finalized. She had to get away from him and everything that had been her life until that day. She needed a fresh start and the job offer in Boston had suited her only too well. She had accepted it without a doubt and never regretted a single second. _

_The first weeks were long and lonely; she was a stranger to the city and she had no friends. She started working in the middle of a case that had kept them all on the edge and she knew many things about Jane Rizzoli before she even met her. Cops talked a lot; especially down in the morgue. They either talked a lot to distract themselves from an on-going autopsy or they didn't talk at all. _

_From what she heard, Jane was a quick-tempered and passionate cop who'd do everything to hunt down the bad guys, no matter what. According to them, she was always trying to prove herself, fighting for respect in a department that was dominated by men. She was a woman driven by her anger and she obviously couldn't let go until every little thing was solved. They described her as a cold-hearted woman who never showed her emotions to anyone, someone who never allowed anyone close and Maura couldn't help but notice the mocking sound of their voices. _

_She was the one who 'had balls', scared men and hated whiners._

_So many information and she had a pretty vivid imagination of the kind of person Detective Rizzoli might be though she wasn't one to jump at conclusions or judge anyone according to hearsay. There was a silent voice in the back of her head that told her she wouldn't like Jane at all._

Once she cleaned off the blood she splashed her face with water and dried her hands. She didn't have the time to catch a glimpse of her reflection in the mirror the last two days and it startled her for an instant. There was no make up to hide her pain, to cover the shadows beneath her eyes. There was nothing that would change the look of emptiness and exhaustion in her eyes.

She put her hairs in a ponytail, attempting to make it look less messy and wiped a few tears away with her index finger. She took one last deep breath before she walked out of the rest room; taking her time.

_The first time she actually encountered Jane Rizzoli was during an autopsy. She rushed in and watched in silence at the beginning though she was the only one among the men who didn't draw back when Maura asked for help.  
Maura could tell that she'd rather had been somewhere else but she did her best not to show it. Maura chuckled to herself behind the surgical mask, observing her from the corner of her eye. Somehow all these things she heard about Jane appeared to be right one way or another, but she couldn't put her finger on it. Claiming that she was fearless would've been a lie, but she certainly wasn't one to give up easily. _

_The detective was the first one who didn't dash out as soon as the autopsy was finished. She stayed an introduced herself to the pathologist she didn't know until that day; it meant everything to Maura. For the first time in weeks Maura felt like she wasn't just the pathologist performing the necessary task; the Queen of Dead they respected and even feared. Jane didn't draw back; indeed she was the first one to take a step toward her when no one else dared to do so and made her a part of the team. _

Just the memory of that moment caused her pain; she never gave it much of a thought, never realized how much that had actually meant to her.

_When Maura went home that night, she couldn't stop thinking about Jane. She didn't know that this woman would someday but the most important person in her life; never even considered that there would be a day when she'd love this woman dearly. _

_She couldn't say what she expected, but when she spotted Jane between the other cops, she was surprised. She actually laughed at herself for being so narrow-minded; she couldn't say how she really imagined Jane to be, but she was everything Maura didn't think of. She was a strong, athletic woman; her face was framed by black curly hair that perfectly matched her dark eyes. Yes, even then Maura considered Jane a really beautiful woman.  
What had fascinated her most was the way Jane changed when everyone was gone. It seemed like she exhaled and suddenly got rid of all the tension in her body. Her whole appearance suddenly seemed softer; there was a friendly smile on her lips. Her voice was warm and caring; that was when Maura knew that she was more than just a though cop, a part she didn't want everyone to know._

Maura sat down with Frost and the Rizzoli's around but no one really felt like talking at the moment and it suited her only too well. Not being the center of attention appeared quite pleasant and she willingly retracted to her memories after Frost offered her a coffee.

She didn't feel like eating but she enjoyed the warmth of the coffee inside of her.

The first sleepover was something they didn't plan but neither one refused it. Maura wasn't even sure if Jane actually implied it and she didn't mind at all. She remembered that night though it happened yesterday; she wanted to smile because the beginning of her friendship with Jane was the very thing that turned her life upside down and she wouldn't want it any other way.

_Jane stopped by at her house around 9.30pm; she'd called Maura because there was something they really had to talk about. A few details about the cause they were working on. Though Maura was sure these things could've been discussed in the morning, she didn't reject Jane. _

_They sat down in her kitchen and talked about every little detail of the case, sitting over a glass of wine. Their conversations slowly changed and they talked about things more privately until it was too late to throw her out and let her go home; it seemed rude. Maura'd lie claiming that she didn't notice the time passing, but she didn't want Jane to leave. _

_Did she already fell in love with her back than without noticing?_

She wasn't sure how much time passed until she finally surrendered to exhausting and fell asleep; the next time she opened her eyes every part of her body seemed to hurt and she saw one of the doctors approaching and everyone looked up expectantly.


	12. Chapter 12

It took her a few seconds to awake from her sleep. She rubbed the sleep out of her eyes and got up; a shiver ran through her body. The shirt and the coat she was wearing didn't keep her restless body warm enough. She looked around and saw their tired-out faces; the fear flashing in their eyes.

She felt her own heart pounding against her chest as her tired eyes tried to read the doctor's countenance. It didn't help her at all, he was all-business; keeping a neutral expression on his face to keep everyone from being worried when it wasn't necessary.

She remembered that from her own time in the ER; don't let anyone see your own emotions. Keep them out everything you're dealing with. He was still dressed in scrubs; something told her it isn't over yet.

She stepped closer so she wouldn't miss a single word he was saying.

_Surgery is not over. Complications. Internal Bleedings. Few more hours to go._

Maura didn't every single word that he said, but the information she got were enough. She silently sat down on the chair behind her, her secret hopes shattered to pieces. She, after all, should've known it. Expecting everything to be fine at that point was far too much to ask for.

Personal involvement misguides your judgment. How many times did she hear that already? How many times had she said that to someone else?

She laid her face in her hands and took a deep breath. The lack of sleep caused a bad headache, she was freezing and every part of her body hurt. Every cell of her body was yearning for some sleep, but there was no way she could rest; not without knowing if Jane made it through surgery or not.

_Would she ever have a peaceful night again if Jane doesn't make it?_

She shook her head, disgusted by her thoughts. She hated sitting around with nothing to do. The pressure on her chest still made it hard to breathe and all she wanted to do is cry and forget about everything. A part of her was so furious about the whole situation. It just wasn't fair; this couldn't be happening. She wanted to yell at someone; wanted to smash something, but all her strength was gone from her body and all she could do was sit there silently and wait.

The fluorescent light hurt her eyes so she kept them down. She couldn't think about it any longer; she had no strength left to do so. After a while, her mind started to occupy itself with different things. Things that may seem irrelevant but it suddenly appeared very important to her.

Did she make sure who'll take care of any incoming bodies while she was gone? Did she call anyone? She couldn't remember though it was only a couple of hours ago.

Did she lock her front door when she left the house? Maybe I should go and check. She thought of all sorts of things that might need her immediate attention but no matter how hard she tried, her body refused to move and leave the hospital.

When the darkness gave away to daylight, Maura silently watched the change of daytime; standing by the window. She had no idea how she managed to pass the last hours. Few cops where left now and word would be passed on to everyone who couldn't be here. They all waited and no one dared to speak.

Maura turned around and once again spotted the doctor walking toward them. The same doctor who told them that things weren't as well as they thought only a few hours ago. She didn't move and tried to listen; again, she tried to read the expression on his face.

She listened to his words and froze in place; his words seemed to be so far away and the next thing she remembered is how she walked into the empty staircase, attempting to climb up the stairs without a clue where it would take her.

She was alone; her hand reached for the banister to support her when she slowly sat down on the stairs. There wasn't a single sound so early in the morning; she leaned her forehead on her hands and the tears started to run down her cheeks.

She bit her lip, trying to calm down but failed. Every part of her body shivered and the staircase was filled with the heart-breaking sound of her own sobs. The hot tears kept streaming down her face and she wasn't sure if she'd ever be able to stop it.

She was exhausted and tired, knowing she wouldn't be able to keep going much longer.

Maura didn't look up when she heard someone entering the staircase; maybe whoever it is will just walk by and ignore her.

In fact it was Angela who looked at her; Maura met her eyes, and she knew Angela had been crying, and waited for her to say something.

'Thought I'd find you here,' she said quietly and Maura used the back of her hands to wipe away her tears.

'It's over,' Angela said and held out her hand; Maura took it and got up.

'Yeah,' she said and she suddenly felt strong enough and gladly accepted the hug that she offered her.

'It's over,' Angela said again and Maura smiled through her tears for the first time in days; she would always remember the last words the doctor said to them.

'_She will be alright. It won't be easy, but she'll be alright.'_


	13. Chapter 13

_Wait, wait for the dawn my dear,  
wait 'til the sun gets here.  
Wait 'til the sun shines through,  
wait 'til the sky is blue._

She didn't want to leave; the relief had sharpened her senses once again and she felt energetic enough to stay and wait; wait for Jane to wake up.

Jane was now peacefully resting at the ICU; her body was trying to cope with the damages that had been done to it, attempting to recover. Though everyone was hoping for Jane to wake up, they secretly knew it wouldn't happen; not today.

Time is a great dealer, that's what they said.

All the time Maura was aching to see if Jane's is alright, but the moment she finally got close to her she almost died. And she wasn't exactly alive at the moment either. She made it through the surgery, but she couldn't breathe on her own so far. Her body was too weak to take care of this essential process that's supposed to keep her alive.

The visible wounds caused by the shot and the subsequent surgery would heal in foreseeable future but the mental damage, that would certainly be there, will need a lot of time and Maura knew she would never leave her friend's side; come what may.

She forgot about their argument or her own words that made Jane turn her back on her; it wasn't important now. There would still be time to talk this through.

She wanted to see Jane with all her heart and yet she couldn't make it to the ICU.

Reason told her to go home and get some sleep. She lost track of the amount of hours that she'd been awake by now and it was just a matter of time until fatigue would knock her out entirely. She needed sleep and decent food; she had to get back on track.

Maura knew she should go back to work and find something to distract herself from worrying. She sat down in the waiting room again and no one bothered to talk to her; but she knew they were watching her.

For some reason the cops used to fall silent as soon as Maura walked into a crime scene; silently parting the way for the Queen of the Dead. She never actually noticed until someone pointed it out to her; she does have a certain reputation but she never thought they might be afraid of her. She always thought that only Jane had that effect on most of them.

Sitting in the waiting room of the hospital so early in the morning made her realize that the rumors were actually true; some were sacred of her and they all knew that the bond between Maura and Jane went beyond friendship though no one dared mentioning it.

Maura knew that Jane's parents were upstairs; looking at their lifeless daughter. Angela urged her to come along but she refused; she wanted to be alone with her.

She considered going home and remembered that her car was still at Schroeder Plaza; if it's still there. She knew she left the key in the ignition and it wasn't locked either but then again everyone knew it's her car and there was a pretty bunch of police officers around when she abandoned it yesterday.

'Don't you wanna go home and get some sleep?' she heard Frost asking; she didn't see him coming and turned around.

'Sorry Doc, but you look like hell.'

'Thanks,' she said and got up.

'You want me to take you home?' he offered. He noticed the questioning look on her face and added: 'your car is in the evidence parking lot, unless you want to walk there and drive home by yourself, which I wouldn't recommend considering your lack of sleep, you'll need a ride.'

'Right,' she whispered and gave him a tired smile. She always liked him; he was a kind man and she knew he had a thing for her. She always thought it was kind of sweet though there would never be anything between them, Maura knew that for sure.

'You're right. Thank you,' she said.

The ride to her house was silent; her head leaned against the window and she kept her eyes closed. Her mind instantly went back to Jane and there was a slight feeling of guilt inside of her but she didn't say anything.

Frost looked at her every now and then. He always respected her and when he first met her, he thought she was somewhat intimidating with her perfection, her intelligence and her undoubted authority. With the years going by, he realized that there is more to Maura Isles than she allowed them to see. Just like Jane, he thought.

They were both different when they around with each other; somehow he envied them for what they had. A friendship so deeply that nothing was likely to break them apart and he knew, just like everyone else, that there is more than just friendship. He secretly hoped that even they would realize that sooner or later and be happy because they deserved it.

He looked at Maura and everything seemed so different. She was no longer the intimidating pathologist. She was a lonely woman who'd been through hell the last few days; exhausted and afraid. She was broken and he no longer envied her at this moment. He couldn't even imagine what she was going through. Seeing her like this was one thing, but did he actually what was going on in her mind?

She opened her eyes when he slowed down in front of her house.

'You're alright?' he asked.

She took a moment to consider her answer and whispered:' Maybe I should go back.'

'There's nothing you can do for her now,' he said calmly.

'What if…-'

'They will call you as soon as something changes,' Frost said. 'You should get some sleep. You won't be much help for Jane if she wakes up and you're totally worn out.'

_If she waked up; he didn't say 'when'._

She leaned her head back and sighed. He actually had a point.

'My car…'

'I'll ask Frankie to drop it off later, he got the keys.'

'Thank you very much,' she said and unbuckled her seatbelt. 'See you.'

'Take care,' he said and she got out of the car; the morning chill sent a shiver down her spine and she walk toward her front door as the fatigue slowed her down once again.

The house seemed eerily silent but Maura didn't even bother to make sure that everything was alright within the walls that she called her home. She walked past the spare bedroom that was by default Jane's though they'd spent quite a few times sleeping in the same bed lately.

The sky outside was grey and drab; clouds heavy with rain. The air seemed strangely thick and she knew that a thunderstorm was approaching. Maura closed the curtains and dropped on the bed; she didn't even bother with taking off her clothes and finally surrendered to sleep.

By the time Maura opened her eyes, twilight had already set in and the clouds outside were almost black or so it seemed; she kept still for a second and listened to the soft rain. She had slept for at least twelve hours but didn't feel well rested. She wasn't quite awake when she dragged herself out of bed and made her way toward the bathroom. She stripped off her clothes, aware of the sound of the rain that slowly turned into a downpour.

She closed her eyes as the hot water hugged her body; her muscles slowly relaxing. She didn't remember waking up at some point or falling asleep; her mind was too distracted to cause her nightmares but she knew they would come.

Her brain would find an unconscious way of coping that would surely cause sleepless nights.  
By the time she stepped out of the shower the soft rain had turned into a full blown thunderstorm and there was no need for lights when she put a pair of Jeans and a simple shirt on. Not her usual attire but she didn't have time for that; what difference would it make anyways?

She put her hair in a ponytail as she walked through her dark house; the room was suddenly lit up by a thunderbolt but she made herself a coffee nevertheless. The warm cup of coffee, that she held in her hands, felt like a blessing. She looked through the thick curtain of rain that was dashing down and spotted her car in her drive-way. She made a mental not to thank Frankie when she walked into him and sipped her coffee; knowing she'd have to get out there very soon.

The weather didn't change a bit when she stepped outside her house and ran toward her car. She allowed herself a moment to gather her thoughts. She felt strangely calm though not quite rested. She wanted to see Jane with all her heart; she wanted to talk to her and hold her hand but she'd be a liar saying she wasn't afraid.

It felt odd and she couldn't quite place her fear, but it was there. She took a deep breath and started the ignition, slowly making her way through the rain. The streets were almost deserted; no sane person would be out in this weather unless they really had to.

The first 24h were almost the most critical ones. If she made it through the first day she would be out of the worst.

_Only a few hours left, Maura thought. Just hold on a little longer. _

She looked up at the sky; there was a brighter patch at the far horizon but from experience she knew that it would take a good couple of hours until the storm would eventually move on.

_Just hold on a little longer; wait 'til the sun comes through._

The instant she stepped out of the elevator, the world around her changed. It was dominated by oppressed silence and the mechanic beeping of life support; of hushed voices and hope, after all. Her heart was pounding in her chest as she walked through the ICU. She wasn't unfamiliar to the personnel though her visits usually weren't pleasant.

This was different, this had nothing to do with her job and they all knew it. She could tell from the look on their faces; this was a hospital and everyone probably knew what happened.

She was no longer aware of everything around her when she approached Jane's room, spotting her lifeless body in the disconsolate room.

She closed her eyes and took one last breath before she entered the room.


	14. Chapter 14

**A/N: I just wanna thank you all for the lovely reviews; keep 'em coming, they make my day all happy :) I hope you like this one! Btw, Italics are Jane's thoughts :)**

_Our lives are made,  
in these small hours  
these little wonders,  
these twists and turns of fate  
time falls away,  
but these small hours,  
these small hours still remain._

_(Little Wonders - by Rob Thomas)_

_I don't know where I am; the first time I noticed that something is wrong made me panic but I couldn't move. I tried and tried again, but nothing happened._

_There's no pain and everything seems to be so easy but I can't see anything. There's a quiet voice inside my head but I can't make out the words. I don't know what time or day it is. I don't know where I am though I'm sure something around me moved. _

_I want to turn my head and look, but I can't. I try to count and see how many seconds pass before I'm gone again; it never lasts long. I always lost track but I have no idea how long it takes to come back. Wherever it may be; and I have no choice but surrender to the darkness._

She slowly approached Jane's bed; having a hard time believing that the woman sleeping there was her best friend. Maura paused at the end of the bed; taking in her appearance, a tight feeling in her chest. Her hair wasn't as messy as it used to be and it suddenly seemed strange to see it tied together; all color had drained from her face; turning it into a frightening pallor. Her cheeks no longer appeared rosy; her lips were nothing but a tight, pale line.

Her chest moved up and down in a steady rhythm kept up by the machines surrounding her.

Maura walked around the bed; never losing her out of view. She sat down on the chair next to the bed and looked at her face; again she looked like she was sleeping. Peaceful and rested though Maura knew things could be terribly different.

What battle was Jane fighting at the moment?

Maura took her hand in her own and nearly expected it to be cold. She covered her hand with her own; there was still life inside of her, Maura never doubted that.

Would she ever come back?

Maura felt strangely lost in the small room; loneliness closing in around her. She didn't feel like crying and she realized that her fear was slowly replaced by anger. She thought about it again and again though she constantly failed to answer these questions.

What more was there left to say?

She kept torturing herself with these thoughts. Was there anything she could've done to change the outcome?

Their argument, the last conversation they had before Jane was taken appeared so far away, but would this really be the last words they said to each other?

Words full of anger, pain and desperation. A desperate attempt to keep her from leaving that had made it worse. Why didn't she just keep her mouth shut?  
She bit her lip, tears burning in her eyes but she refused to surrender, angry with herself.

'Did I lose you forever?' She asked herself as she reached out to touch her cheek.

Would she really be the same when she wakes up? The one question that Maura didn't fail to answer was this; she would love Jane no matter what. She would give everything to be with her again; give up everything only to hear Jane laughing again. She would endure all the pain for just one moment in the arms of her friend.

'I'm so sorry, Jane,' she whispered and she couldn't deny the feeling of guilt that tortured her; her eyes glued to the plaster that covered the neatly stitched cut. 'I'm so… sorry.'

'If I could turn back time', she whispered. 'I would make you stay. I wouldn't watch you leave that night and you'd be with me now'. She remembered the words only too well and they still caused her pain.

_One. Two. Three;  
that's how far I got. My mind went blank again but I knew there was something. I can't tell what it is, but something changed. I still can't open my eyes but I can hear a mechanical beeping, it never stops. Sometimes it seems to get louder and I know there's something else before everything is black again._

'I need you, Jane' Maura whispered; their fingers entwined.

She shook her head and forced her eyes to leave Jane for a moment. It just wasn't fair; again she felt the anger boiling inside. She wanted to scream; she wanted to yell at all the people she held responsible for what happened. She felt the anger tingling in the tip of her fingers, so furious that she wanted to smash everything her hands could reach.

She let go off Jane's hand and laid her face in her very own, releasing a sigh. She was angry with Jane, no matter what. Angry for walking away from her; for endangering herself like that and for leaving Maura alone like this. She was angry because she left Maura behind with all the pain and the fears.

She knew it's selfish and probably doesn't make any sense but she couldn't help it.

Maura wanted to talk to her, but it felt weird. She sometimes talked to a corpse during an autopsy; knowing there wouldn't be an answer. They would never talk back, judge or blame her for anything and she was completely content with it.

But this was different. She wasn't dead but she wasn't quite alive either.

'I miss you Jane,' Maura said calmly and reclaimed Jane's left hand. 'It feels like it's been ages. I need you, do you hear me?'

She had no idea if Jane could hear her. She once read that patients who'd been put in an induced coma actually heard voices and even recognized them though they didn't remember it after waking up. She wanted Jane to know that she's there.

'I'll wait for you, Jane. Do you hear me? I will always wait for you,' she said and felt a lump in her throat.

_I'm lonely. I don't want to be here any longer. I try to focus, but my mind seems clouded. It costs a lot of strength, but suddenly I hear her talking and it's feels like my mind is sharper than ever. I know someone is with me and I don't want her to go. Please, don't leave me alone again. I'm begging but it seems like she can't hear me. I try to utter a sound, I try to scream but my body refuses to obey. I try to concentrate on every part of my body; I want to get out of here. I don't want to be alone any longer. Please, don't leave me. _

'What would I do without you?' Maura says calmly and a sad laughter escaped her lips. She held Jane's hand in hers and blew a feather-light kiss on the back of her hand. She kept talking about everything that came to her mind, silently whispering; wishing it'd make a difference.

_Don't go, don't leave me. Why don't you hear me? The mechanical sound seems louder again, but what can I do?_

Maura was lost in her thoughts, not paying attention to the ever steady sound of the life support. It seemed to be a part of this room; so normal that she didn't recognize it any longer. Not after a couple of hours.

She felt tired; the silence appeared oppressing. The sudden change of sounds startled her and for an instant she panicked until she realized the change of Jane's heartbeat on the monitor.

_Don't go, Jane begged and tried to focus. Don't go away. The sounds appeared dull; as if her body was submerged. She felt a throb on her forehead but it felt distant.  
Don't go away, I'm right here!_

Maura looked at her hands just right in time to see Jane's fingers moving around her own.


	15. Chapter 15

**A/N: Sorry it took me so long! I hope you all had a lovely Easter weekend! I just wanna thank you all for the lovely reviews, you're amazing! And thanks for bearing with me; I promise, things will start to change from here…(I tried putting spaces between Jane's thoughts and Maura's 'timeline' but someone it never seems to work... annoys the hell outta me; sorry about that!)  
**

* * *

_Is your heart filled with pain, shall I come back again? _  
_Tell me dear, are you lonesome tonight?_

_(Elvis – 'Are you lonesome tonight?')_

_I see her in front of me but I can't reach her. She looks sad and I want to be with her, but something keeps me away. I don't know what happened, but these memories keep recurring. I can't say whether these are dreams or flashes of memories that I see. These might not actually be dreams since I don't seem to be quite asleep though not awake either. _

_I want to wake up, but I don't feel like I'm strong enough. I know there was someone holding my hand; I heard her voice and she didn't let go off my hand, but it didn't last. The next thing I can think of is the loneliness that returned; no one held my hand any longer. _

_Did she come back and I just don't know? _

_I try to remember what brought me here, but there's nothing but pieces of distant moments in time but none of these seem relevant._

_I remember the day I got into the Police Academy. I was so happy to see my dad being proud of me and I never had the heart to tell him that I actually considered going to university. I never regretted it though._

_I see a picture of my smiling self on my very first day at school but nothing else; maybe it's just the picture I kept thinking of. There seem to be so many happy memories, but there's a strange feeling coming along with it; there has to be more._

_I would never forget the very first day I met Maura and I was glad that this is one of the few things I have in mind, no matter what happened. I remember Maura and I feel good; considering my circumstances which I still can't explain. Then there are moments that seem to torture me._

_I see the endless darkness; I hear people screaming: I hear gunshots, but it all appears so messy and I can't tell what happened. It keeps coming back when it gets quiet; it must be around nighttime. During the day I'm always alert; trying to listen to the things happening around me. I want them to know that I'm here; I need someone to help me out._

_I've learned that there's no need for this when it gets quiet; there won't be anyone to visit then. That's when I hear them screaming. It scares me.  
I don't think there's a chance to defend myself; my body won't obey, how am I going to protect myself?_

_I hear my own voice echoing inside my mind; I'm screaming. I hear people shouting; running around, and then? There's nothing. Nothing that I seem to remember, but that's not all. I may still be numbed; but I know there's something I have to set right._

_Whenever my mind is flooded with this chaos, there's Maura. I see her clearly through all this and she looks sad. I know something happened; I've been there with her. It drives me crazy, but I can't remember. I see the tears in her eyes; she's telling me something but I don't understand the words she's saying. Her outlines get blurry and I can't hear her; then she's gone. I know this is important, I'm aching to know what happened. I'm confused and it exhausts me, but this is the one thing I remember, because she keeps coming back._

_She's with me even when I'm gone._

The small path to her house was still wet from the rain earlier that day; the smell of the rain was still lingering close. She always loved that smell.

After the rain comes the sun.

She unlocked her front door; entering the loneliness of her empty house. Maura walked into the kitchen; there was a fine layer of dust on the island that reminded her of the fact that she didn't have a decent meal in days. Her hand slid along the cold surface of the island and she thought of all the lonely nights spent in this kitchen.

Too many nights with too many glasses of wine.

She dropped her handbag on a chair and got herself a glass of wine; she was off work for the next few days and there was nothing else to do.

As she sipped her Pinot Noir she suddenly felt like a stranger again. This had been her nightly routine that marked her first few weeks in Boston. She was alone and lonely; she had no idea what to do with herself while she tried to get used to the situation. She was newly-divorced; moved across the country without knowing a single person.

She never thought that there'd be a night where she'd drink on her own again. Things never turned out the way you planned them, that was something she painfully experienced the last days. Never had she dreamed of the fact that she'd one day be in love with a woman; drinking on her own while she hoped that her best friend recovered from her surgery; from the events that nearly took her away from Maura.

Three glasses of wine later she finally got up from her chair, feeling the alcohol working in her system. Her knees felt weak and her heavy; she sighed as she proceeded toward the fridge to get something to eat.

She cut the salad as neatly as possible; frustrated with herself. The whole situation felt frustrating and she was slowly losing the grip on it which was something she couldn't tolerate at all. She was suddenly angry with herself for being so weak, for letting the whole thing affect her that much.

She was frustrated because wasn't sure what she felt and wanted any longer.

_I told her that I love her_, she thought.

The fact that she almost lost Jane broke her heart; it showed her how much she needed Jane.

_But do I really love her?_

It bothered her so much that she didn't know what the future would bring; what it'd bring for their future. Jane ran away from her; she begged her not to say it. That memory still caused her pain.

Did she beg her not to say it because she was afraid that things would go wrong from there or was she afraid to face her own feelings?

Maura shook her head in silence and felt her eyes well up with tears. She put the knife aside and sighed with frustration and anger.

Yes, she loved Jane. She was her best friend, but does she love her so much that she wants her to wake up next to her every morning? So much that she wanted Jane to be with her; no longer returning to an empty home every night.

She didn't know. She once thought that this is exactly what she wanted but now she just wasn't sure any more.

She grabbed her glass from the counter and sat down on the sofa.

The more she thought about it; the more she realized that she's afraid. She knew there's a hard time ahead for everyone and it'll cost them a lot of strength to get through it. She was afraid, thinking that she won't be strong enough to be with Jane through all this pain.

_What if I can't bear it?_ She thought and felt sad; laying her face in her hands. _How am I going to talk to her? _She thinks.

Though this seemed to be one of the minor problems at the moment, she can't tell how Jane will react; how these words will stand between them and affect their friendship. All there was left for her to do was wait and keep quiet; wait for something to happen and silently endure her pain.

_She moved her hand,_ Maura thought. She felt a tiny spark of hope flaming up despite the cruel uncertainty.

_Talk to me, I beg her but she's gone. I can see things clearly now, but I still don't understand Maura. I can hear her voice but I can't make out the words. _

_Things around me are changing; I'm aware of my own body. I don't feel that numb any more. I try to use all my strength to move and I think I felt my hand moving again; stronger this time. _

_I can hear my own blood rushing in my ears and I suddenly start to feel the pain and I know that I'm still alive._

_Everything is quiet by the time I finally open my eyes. The outlines slowly sharpen in the semi-darkness and I feel confused._

_I have no idea what happened or where I am._


	16. Chapter 16

**A/N: I couldn't let you wait any longer. Happy Easter Monday everyone :)**

* * *

_All around me are familiar faces,  
Worn out places, worn out faces,  
bright and early for the daily races,  
Going nowhere, going nowhere._

_(Gary Jules – 'Mad World')_

Maura started from her sleep; her heart pounding in her chest. She sat upright and it took her a few seconds to become aware of the fact that she is not in her bed but still safely at home. She rubbed her eyes, trying to adjust to the darkness that had replaced the grey afternoon clouds.

She leaned back with closed eyes and rubbed her temples; knowing that a headache was inevitable. She rose from the sofa to get a glass of water and took her mobile out of her handbag. Considering her position at work she never switched it off; she got used to it though it seemed very quiet recently. No incoming calls; no messages.

It never really bothered her and there wasn't much she could do about it, it was her job after all but it suddenly appeared different. She caught herself glancing at her phone every now and then, waiting for a message or a call. But each time it rang she was scared.

_Good news or bad news? _

She put her phone in her pants pocket and climbed the stairs, heading for the bathroom first. She shouldn't have been surprised by her reflection, but she didn't expect to look that worn out. She didn't wear makeup; in spite of it all her cheeks were slightly flushed.

_Blame it on the alcohol_, she thought and stared at the image of a stranger. The dark shadows beneath her eyes seemed more prominent than ever and her eyes looked rather wan.

_Just a few days and everything seems to fall apart_, Maura heard her mother's voice echoing in her head. Maura loved her but the older she got the more she noticed that things weren't as nice as they seemed to be.

_Money doesn't buy happiness._

Maura shook her head at that statement; money was never a problem though it always played an important part in her family. She remembered the charity events her mother dragged her to and how excited she was when she got all dressed up like a little princess. These were the rare moments Maura actually spent time with her mother. With thinking back she couldn't help but admit that Maura was practically raised by several nannies and not by her parents.

_Mae. My lovely Mae,_ Maura thought and felt a touch of melancholy.

Maura loved Mae with all her heart. She was her first Nanny who raised her ever since Maura became a part of the family. She was with her when Maura was sick; when she couldn't sleep through the nights because she was scared. Mae was there when Maura needed comfort at any given time.

She used to read bedtime stories with funny voices or allowed Maura to join her in the kitchen when she prepared meals.

Maura adored her but when her mother realized how emotionally attached she got, Mae was fired and she never saw her again. She was suddenly longing for Mae to be there; she always knew how to soothe Maura in times of troubles when her mother failed to do so. She felt sad because she never heard of her again; she may even be dead already.

Since then, Nannies never last long to keep Maura from getting too attached. She brushed her teeth and remembered their family get-togethers; everything was about reputation and there was nothing warm, no interest in each other. Sure, there were lots of presents but the truth was that they never had much to say to each other.

She loved them no matter what; they were her parents after all and she owed them. Money didn't buy her happiness but it gave her a lot of possibilities and now it's hers to find what she'd been missing in the past.

She looked at her reflection again; everything about her was a huge contrast to the things her mother expected her to be. Everything always had to be perfect; it had to look perfect for everyone at any given time and Maura was sick of it. She'd been going with that for far too long but she slowly realized that things could be a lot easier.

_If only she could see me now_, Maura thought_. She'd be shocked; certainly outraged by the fact that her only daughter was in love with another woman. Angry with the fact that I let myself go like this. _

She took her clothes off and put them in the laundry basket.

'_Bitch' _was the thing that suddenly came to her mind when she thought of her mother and a silent laughter crossed her lips.

_Maybe Jane is actually rubbing off on me_, she thought. _Angela would most certainly say that._

No one knew she could be like this; they always expected her not to anyways. They never gave her credit for losing her nerves or cursing. For getting angry or yelling at someone. They had no idea who she really is. No one knew what made her tick; what made her angry or really sad. They just didn't know; except Jane though she might not even know everything.

She slowly wandered off to her bedroom; still enough alcohol in her system to have certain body functions slightly affected. She dropped down on the bed and reached out for the second pillow; the one that Jane used when she didn't bother with sleeping in the guest room.

She hugged the pillow with both arms and drifted off to sleep immediately. It didn't last long; it actually felt like she just closed her eyes when the sound of her mobile rudely awakened her. She jumped out of the bed way too fast and it took her a couple of seconds to focus and realize that she left her phone in the pocket of her trousers.

She quickly made her way to the bathroom to retrieve her phone from the laundry basket.

'Maura Isles,' she said a little out of breath; sinking to the cold floor to calm down and soothe her throbbing headache.

'It's Frankie-'he said and she suddenly felt wide awake; even nervous.

'What happened? Is she alright?'

'Yes,' he said and she heard the relieved tone in his voice. 'Yes, she's awake,' he said and Maura closed her eyes; she laughed and felt like something was taken away from her. It suddenly felt like everything seemed a little easier.

'Did she say anything? What did the doctors say?' she asked and without actually thinking about it she got up and got herself some fresh clothes.

'She didn't say anything; I think she's still a little confused. The doctors are in now,' he said.

'Hold on,' she said and put the phone down to slip into her jacket without dropping it. 'I'm on my way…' Maura said and stopped herself. _What if they don't want me to?_

She glanced at the clock by the door. _3.34am._

'Is it…. Do you actually want me to come?' she asked; feeling somewhat stupid.

'I refuse to answer that, Maura,' Frankie said and she thought there was a hint of a laugh in his voice. It was to hear it again. 'See you in a bit,' he said.

'See you,' she said and left the house, hugging herself on her way to the car.

The drive to the hospital appeared to take ages although the streets were deserted; she drove along that way only a few hours ago and it felt like a déjà-vu when she entered the hospital, impatiently waiting for the elevator. It was strangely quiet in the hospital; she suddenly asked herself why she didn't stay.

_How could I be so stupid?_ She asked herself and shifted her weight from one foot to another as the elevator brought her closer to Jane.

_She moved her hand, why did I leave?_

She walked out of the elevator as soon as the doors opened. She walked through the ICU; using her professional authority to get to Jane's room without much of a fuzz and felt her steps slowing down as she approached it.

She smothered a sob when she spotted the Rizzolis huddled around the bed and she stopped; feeling like an intruder. It wouldn't feel right to walk in there.

She waited and watched. She couldn't see Jane; Angela was in her way but she saw the smile on Frankie's face when he looked into the direction of his sister and it was everything Maura needed to see for the moment.

She got lost in the moment and suddenly met Frankie's eyes. Maura watched him leaning forward; obviously talking to Jane. He got up from his chair and laid a hand on his mother's shoulder; she instantly turned around to face Maura. She watched all three of them leaving the room and Angela immediately pulled her in a welcoming hug; neither one said a word.

'I think we should go and grab a coffee,' Frankie said. 'It's quite late… or early,' he said and looked at his parents and Maura mouthed 'Thank you' to Frankie and he nodded; leading his parents away from the room and Maura turned around.

She entered the room and looked at Jane. She was breathing on her own, looking more alive than she did only a few hours ago. Maura thought she'd be nervous and even afraid; she thought she might want to run away but the moment her eyes caught Jane's, it was all gone.

Their eyes locked and Maura walked around the bed, never losing her out of view. There was Jane and nothing else and Maura knew she was right where she was. Maura sat down on the chair by the bedside, taking Frankie's place, leaning forward to be closer to Jane.

Jane tilted her head slowly and moved her left hand without a word and Maura took it; enclosing Jane's warm hand with her own. She breathed a soft kiss on the back of Jane's hand and followed her lead as she brought her hand to Maura's face.

She leaned into the soft touch as Jane's hand touched her cheek and Maura put her own above it to keep it in place. She never wanted to miss it again. She turned her head a bit and placed a soft kiss on Jane's palm.

She was relieved and happy; she was tired and there was nothing she could do to stop the scalding tears from falling and she was deeply touched when she felt Jane's thumb slowly caressing the soft skin of her cheek, wiping away her tears.

'Good morning,' Maura whispered with a tearful, hoarse voice.

* * *

**A/N: I actually wanted to make a cut when Maura entered the room, but it would've broken my heart to do that… 3**


	17. Chapter 17

**A/N: Sorry it took me so long... Got a new MacBook and it took some time to sort it all out and actually start writing again. I hope you like this one :)**

* * *

The only reason Maura went home that morning was because Jane would've hated to see her like his. To see Maura so worn out just because of her and Maura didn't want her to worry about that. She knew Jane certainly would, but she had to focus all her attention on getting better; not an making Maura feel better. That was her's to do for now.

_'I missed you,' Jane said; her voice was barely a whisper and Maura knew it'd cost her a tremendous amount of strength to say these words and they meant everything to her. _

_'I missed you too,' Maura answered softly and her eyes never left her friend. Jane fell asleep before anything else was said. It was too early for that but Maura knew things would get better from now on. _

Maura went back to her house to take a shower and put on some decent clothes; she remembered Angela's words before they parted this morning.

_'We got through the worst now,' _she said; always seeing the positive things to ignore the obvious. Little did she know that for Maura, the worst is yet to come.

Maura took a long hot shower, trying to clear her head and concentrate on the important things. Sharpen her mind for the things that lay ahead. She chose her clothes in silence, brushed her hair neatly and a light smile crossed her lips since she actually surprised herself with her reflection. She applied a bit of make up to cover the traces that the previous days had left behind. It seemed ages that she smelled the lovely scent of her perfume and she took a second to take it all in.

Though Jane was already asleep by the time Maura left; she promised her to come back later that day. She went into the kitchen and cleaned up everything she left behind yesterday night and actually had some food. Her mood seemed better, but she knew that she was just ignoring the truth for now and she was okay with it.

She thought of Jane and tried hard to ignore the voice inside her head; that feeling of fear that was always lingering inside of her. She refused to let it take over; she had to regain control on her life and everything she did.

She didn't sleep since Frankie called her, but she couldn't rest; she felt so energetic that she had to do something. A part of her wanted to go and see Jane immediately but she after all had to rest. She needed to sleep and get better.

For the first time in days, she left the house without being terribly tired, drunk, in a rush or incredibly sad; she got into her car left to do some grocery shopping. She thought about getting Jane some food as well and then remembered that it'd certainly be far too early for that.

_'She never has decent food at home anyways,'_ Maura thought and laughed to herself. She'd need it; to get better and heal she'll need some healthy food though she probably won't like it.

Almost two hours later she parked her car in front of Jane's apartment.

_Was it two or already three days since Jane got shot? _Maura thought and ignored the feeling of panic caused by that thought. The last hours had appeared so endless that she lost track of time; as time was dragging by and her sleeping habits were entirely messed up she just didn't have time to keep track.

She walked into Jane's apartment; she was nervous. She wasn't used to the silence in here and it suddenly felt like ages since she slept in Jane's bed.

Maura ignored the sudden caving for Jane's presence and dropped her bag on the couch; she took her time with arranging the cushions and removed all traces that have been left behind due to Jane's absence.

She did the dusting and opened the windows for some fresh air; she wanted to water the plants only to discover that there wasn't much left of it. She told herself to buy new ones before Jane returns.

_'I might buy some flowers'_, she thought and the fridge was basically empty when she was done with sorting everything out. She mentally added 'food' to her list and sat down on the table; her gaze wandering around. It seemed so unfamiliar without Jane around; Maura thought of their movie nights and sleepovers.

_'Will it ever be the same?' _she asked herself and leaned her head on her right hand. She thought of the nights she spent in the arms of her friend; snuggled up on the couch while they watched a movie.

Maura couldn't help but think about it again as the sadness spread into every part of her tired body. Now that Jane knew how she feels about her, will it ever be like this again?

_'Will we ever sit next to each other like that? So close and familiar?' _Though Maura told herself not to let it bother her, she just couldn't help it._ 'What if everything will change now? What if every touch is suddenly too much?'_

Maura sighed shook her head. _'Will sleeping next to Jane never be comfortable again? For both of them?'_ The thought of this nearly broke her apart; she needed this friendship as much as she needed Jane's comfort, what if it's all gone and changed now?

She got up from the chair and walked toward the bedroom; the door was left ajar and Maura remembered her rushed departure. She walked into the bedroom; her clothes still on 'her' side of the bed while the sheets were all messed up. She sat down on Jane's side of the bed again and smoothed the wrinkles out of the pillow.

The need for comfort slowly took over and she was too weak to resist it; Maura absentmindedly laid down on the bed and hugged the pillow with her arms. She closed her eyes when her head rested on the soft pillow; Jane's familiar scent was still lingering there.

Maura felt sad and lonely; she wanted to cry but there was nothing left and she didn't realized the moment she drifted to sleep.

Jane drifted in and out of sleep and she considered it extremely hard to be awake for more then a couple of minutes. The post-operative pain was more then she was used to and the pain medication was certainly one of the reasons why she was still in a constant state of slumber.

'What's going on?' she whispered when she opened her eyes and realized that her bed was moving; that someone was moving her.

'Don't worry, sweetheart,' said the nurse beside her bed. 'We're just moving you to another ward. No need for ICU,' she said and gave Jane a lovely smile.

Jane took a deep breath and closed her eyes but the slow movement of her bed made her feel dizzy; she tried to concentrate on something nice to forget about the things around her. She thought of her family who came to see her when she woke up; and Maura was there.

Maura was always there; no matter what time of the day, no matter what happened. She was always there; Jane knew she could always rely on her and, what was way more important, trust her with all her heart. She trusted Maura deeply; like she trusted no one else.

Her thoughts sometimes drifted to darker places; she tried to remember what happened, but no matter how hard she tried, she just couldn't. She saw blurred flashbacks but she failed to make sense of it. She had no idea what actually happened yet; it was certainly too early for them to tell her what happened. Or start to ask questions.

Jane was relieved when they finally reached her room and the motions stopped; her eyes felt heavy but she kept them open to look around. There was less equipment in this room to keep her company and she felt somewhat lost with being the only person in this lonely room; she should be happy to be alive, but she was yearning for company and comfort.

She knew her mother would most certainly refuse to leave her bedside; taking her time to comfort Jane until she was better. As much as she loved her mother, she already dreaded it. She had no chance to protest or defend herself and would helplessly be at Angela's mercy. She just wanted the best for her daughter, Jane knew that, but she just couldn't bear it when someone kept mothering or pitying her. She hated the feeling.

She leaned back and made herself as comfortable as possible; silently watching the drip on the back of her hand. She felt the needles that pierced her skin and with thinking about it further, it actually disgusted her though it seemed inevitable to help her get better. She took a deep breath and tried to stay awake; she wanted to know what happened around her.

There was no clock in sight and Jane didn't know if that was a good or a bad thing; she was glad that this room had a window though. It appeared to be afternoon; the sun was quite low already. The better she gets the more people are likely to show up. She knew they'd all come and see her; some will probably come out of respect because that's what cops do and some will come and see her because they actually cared.

She didn't feel ready for all the visitors yet; it was too early for this but just the thought of it made her feel uneasy. As much as she wanted someone to be with her; she wanted be alone as well. She was frustrated with the situation though she couldn't do much except wait and hope that she'll be better soon.

She raised her hand slowly; she still felt Maura's hands on it. They way the honey-blonde had touched and caressed her hand; cupped it in her own in the most gentle way. She still felt the spot on the back of her hand where her soft lips had touched her skin. They always touched briefly when they met at work; they looked at each other when they thought the other one wasn't watching; or no one was watching at all. It was a part of their friendship that made it what it is. It was something they both needed and didn't mind. It was like a reassurance that the other one was still there; come what may.

But Maura had never kissed her before; not on the cheek, especially nowhere else. She probably thought it was inappropriate or would go way beyond the bonds of their friendship; the Maura that Jane knew would probably ask first. She smiled to herself, afraid that it might cause her pain if the smile actually reached her lips.

That was the Maura she knew and she loved her for who she was and Jane knew she wouldn't want it any other way. She tried to keep her mind busy so she won't fall asleep.

_'Did I ever tell her that?' _Jane thought. She always laughed at her friend when she started the 'Google-talk' and Maura knew Jane was just joking. _'But maybe I should tell her,' _Jane thought. She never considered this before but now that she had enough time on her hands to think it through, she thought that it might be a wonderful thing. Something she owed her best friend.

_'You nearly died,'_ Jane thought and it scared her. She was aching to know what happened exactly before she was helplessly tied to this bed. She always hated it when she heard of people coming to terms with their past in times of trouble; it was cheesy and everything Jane was not.

That's what she thought before it all happened, but now she wanted nothing but talk to Maura and tell her that she was the most wonderful person in her life and that she loved her for the person she was, no matter what everyone else was thinking about her. Although she probably knew it already, Jane wanted to be the one telling her that.

The time passed in depressing silence and Jane tried to remember anything that happened before she went into surgery; she was with Maura the night she was taken, but what happened when she walked away? She couldn't remember, not yet and it caused her a headache so she was forced to stop and surrender to sleep.

(Maura)

_'Jane?' she was out of breath but she couldn't stop to catch it. Maura kept running; looking for her. Where did they take her? Did I miss her already?_

_'Jane?' she screamed again and was well aware of the panic and desperation in her voice. She was scared and close to tears; time was running and she had to find her. She had to be there to save Jane. Maura kept running, her heart pounding against her chest. Her lungs filled with cold air; it hurt but she couldn't stop. _

_She ran toward the front entrance of the Boston Police Department; Jane was held hostage. Their eyes locked and Maura ran but she couldn't get any closer; no matter how hard she tried. She was desperate and breathless. She tried to calm down; her breathing turned to sobs. She couldn't save her, but she had to. _

_'Maura!,' she heard Jane's terrified voice. The pleading sound of her scared friend's voice broke her heart, but there was nothing she could do. 'Maura,' Jane screamed again, begging her to save her, but it was too late._

The sound of the gunshot woke her up and Maura started from her sleep; her face was covered by a slight trace of sweat, her heart was pounding against her chest and she didn't dare to move. She laid stock-still, aware of the fear in every cell of her body. She listened carefully; she turned to her left side and a few sobs escaped her lips.

It was 6.36pm.

She waited a few minutes to calm down and picked up the clothes she left behind the last time. She checked the apartment to make sure that everything was the way it should be and left to see Jane.


	18. Chapter 18

**A/N: t's not that long... sorry about that! Thank you all for the lovely reviews, you're awesome :)**

* * *

Jane was asleep when Maura entered the room; luckily she met Frankie by the front entrance. If he didn't tell her that Jane wasn't on ICU any longer she would've gone there; shocked when she found Jane's room empty or occupied by someone else.

She felt nervous as she walked through the hospital and it bothered her. There was no need to be afraid or nervous; she thought it through so many times that she was actually tired of it by now but she just couldn't help it.

_'What am I going to say?'_ she asked herself when she approached the room. Maura told herself that it's the best to be herself, there was no need to try and pretend things were differently, because it didn't matter at the moment, did it?

She entered the room and a part of her was relieved when she found Jane sleeping soundly. She walked around the bed as quiet as possible and sat down on the chair; Jane looked way better then she did only a couple of hours go. At least her physical appearance was improving; she didn't look as pale as she did when Maura first saw her. Her cheeks were rosy and she was breathing on her own.

Maura didn't take her hand, because she didn't want to wake Jane. She just leaned back in the chair and waited patiently; lost in thoughts. She suppressed the urge to do something and pace the room and silently remained sitting in the uncomfortable chair.

'You really there or am I insane now?' she heard a rough and quiet voice asking. She looked up; surprised because she didn't notice Jane waking up. She immediately sat upright and approached.

'No,' Maura said and smiled softly. 'I'm here.'

'Thanks,' Jane said silently and turned her head; facing Maura. Her hand was looking for Maura's and she took it without any further comment and held her hand.

'How are you feeling?' Maura asked and her thumb started caressing the back of Jane's hand.

'Messed up.'

Maura chuckled to herself. 'That doesn't surprise me,' she said and the slightest hint of a smile crossed Jane's lips.

'It hurts,' Jane said after a few deliberate seconds of silence.

'It'll get better, you just need to rest,' Maura reassured her. _How lame!_ But what else was she supposed to say or do? She pushed all her fear and grieve aside and concentrated on making her best friend feel better.

'I'm so confused,' Jane whispered.

'That doesn't surprise me either,' Maura answered. 'Judging by the cut on your forehead, whatever caused it, did a nasty amount of damage.'

'What happened to the 'google-talk'?' Jane wanted to know and judging by the look in her eyes, Jane was smirking at her, but actually doing it would've caused too much pain.

Maura looked at their entangled hands, trying not to touch the drip to cause her any more pain.

'Took a break,' she simply answered. 'Didn't prove to be quite helpful these last days.'

Another few minutes passed and both women were trying to find the right words to say. Maura thought it wasn't the right time to ask her if she remembered anything that happened before she got shot, but knowing Jane she'd do it herself. Maura knew her well enough to know that she won't let go until she knew what happened though she wasn't ready to talk about it.

She way dying to know if Jane remembered what Maura said, but it wasn't the right time or the right place.

'What happened?' Jane asked without looking at Maura her voice was serious this time. Maura took a deep breath but didn't manage to bring up enough courage to speak. The recent nightmare lingered inside of her; sending a shiver down her spine.

'I don't think we should talk about it now,' she said calmly. 'It doesn't matter now, all that does is that you get better.' _Damnit! She will never let go if I don't tell her the truth._

'I know you don't like to hear that,' Maura went on. 'I don't think I should be the one telling you what happened...'

Jane looked at her with a questioning look on her face, but she kept quiet. Jane knew the look on her friend's face. She was begging her not to make her talk and she'd respect that for now.

'I just can't remember...' Jane began. 'I recall only a few seconds at a time, but I can't make any sense of it,' she said and Maura noticed the frustration in her voice.

It'd be a long way back.

'I see them...' Jane said and turned her head again to face the honey-blonde. _I see you._

'I don't know what to say,' Maura whispered and the vulnerability of that statement hurt Jane. She had never seen her unflappable best friend at a loss of an explanation or even speechless; she always knew what was the right thing to do but things seemed to be different tonight. Jane slowly realized that things changed during her absence.

Jane was afraid that Maura would leave her very soon and it scared her. She didn't want to be left alone; she sent her brother and her parents home earlier because they were far too exhausting for her but she couldn't bear to have Maura leaving her now.

'I'm sorry,' Jane said and looked at her friend. She looked tired and exhausted though she obviously tried to hide it with a bit of make-up; her appearance was still striking but Jane noticed that she obviously lost some weight that was only too visible on her slender body.

'Don't be,' Maura said and shook her head. 'It was just...' she was looking for the right words without giving Jane a reason to feel guilty; she knew her too well for that. Maura once again focused on their hands, she bit her lip and shook her head more to herself.

_I was scared to death._ 'Just... so hard,' she whispered and noticed how her voice died at the end of that. She couldn't even imagine what it was like for Jane. While she looked at their hands she remembered her own blood-soaked hands; the warmth of Jane's blood drenching her own in a dangerous dark red. She thought of the way it stuck to her fingers once it had dried; she still smelled the metallic smell of blood on her fingers. Suddenly disgusted by the memory, she let go of Jane's hand.

'Hey,' Jane said when she noticed the flicker of pain on her face. 'Don't cry,' Jane whispered and brought her hand to Maura's cheek to turn her heart softly; she was now strong enough to do it on her own.

Maura reluctantly faced her.

'You know...' Jane said and Maura realized that the conversation was still too much for her. She was getting weaker again. 'I'd do everything to hug you now.'

'I'll wait,' Maura said softly. _No matter how long it'll take. _'You should try to sleep a little more,' Maura said.

'I've been asleep long enough already,' Jane told her.

'It'll help you get better, you know that,' Maura said. 'It's not like you'll just walk out of the hospital tomorrow...' she stopped herself before the last words crossed her lips. _Like nothing ever happened. _

It wasn't fair, she knew that. Jane hated being dependent on someone else, but there was nothing she could do. If she knew the truth she'd think about it differently; she needed more time and most of all take her time to understand what happened to her. It wasn't just something that happened during a usual working day, even Jane had to understand it though she liked to pretend that this was exactly what happened.

Maura wasn't ready to tell her the truth.

She held her friend's hand and waited in silence as the pain medication forced her body to sleep. Maura let go off Jane's hand; she watched her sleeping for a few seconds.

'I'll see you in the morning,' she whispered and left the room; there was a strange feeling of relief when she stepped out of the hospital that evening.


	19. Chapter 19

**A/N: Sorry it took me so long; was on a trip with friends and didn't let me update before I went... I hope you'll like it :)**

* * *

_"Everyone, at some point in their lives, wakes up in the middle of the night with the feeling that they are all alone in the world, and that nobody loves them now and that nobody will ever love them, and that they will never have a decent night's sleep again and will spend their lives wandering blearily around a loveless landscape, hoping desperately that their circumstances will improve, but suspecting, in their heart of hearts, that they will remain unloved forever. The best thing to do in these circumstances is to wake somebody else up, so that they can feel this way, too." _

_Lemony Snicket (Horseradish: Bitter Truths You Can't Avoid)_

_A week later..._

'Hey, hey!' Jane protested when Frankie took the chocolate away from his sister and sat down at the end of the bed; out of her reach.

'You shouldn't eat that at all,' he said and ignored his sister's protest.

'Come on, just one more. I hate this food here!'

'As far as I know, they don't give you any,' Frankie said and failed to hide the amusement in his voice. 'Yet,' he added when he saw the look on Jane's face.

'Don't look at me like this,' he said and put the sweets away. 'You won't get any better with that stuff! And don't tell mum about it...'

Jane leaned back and closed her eyes for a second. She was getting better; sometimes she even thought that things are going to fast. She felt better every day though the wound still caused her pain and it'll remain doing so for quite a while and she shouldn't take this for granted. She should be more careful.

She was well enough to argue with Frankie already though she refused to admit it made her feel exhausted; she actually enjoyed his company. He didn't look at her with this pitiful look on his face and he didn't try to be extra sensitive around her. For him, she was just his older sister and not a detective who'd been captured and nearly been killed.

Angela probably stopped worrying; now that Jane was better it seemed to be the appropriate time to start being angry for getting in such trouble and she won't accept the fact that there was nothing she could've done about it. This was nothing new to Jane; it'd been their routine ever since Jane started working as a cop.

And then there was Maura. They'd been through so many things and Maura had always been the reasonable and responsible one. She'd been unflappable no matter what, but for some reason there was something different about her. Jane realized that they didn't talk much whenever she comes to see her, which was practically every day, and it almost seemed like they haven't got anything to say to each other although there were many things Jane wanted to tell her.

She held her hand and she would never let go and at the same time she seemed distant; lost in her thoughts. Jane often noticed that she wasn't listening; that her mind was far away from this hospital. She was keen on not showing her emotions and Jane noticed the expression of pain on her friend's face, but she didn't have the hearts to ask what was wrong.

'What are you thinking about?' Frankie asked and for a second she didn't notice that he was still there. His voice was calm; even serious.

'I... nothing,' Jane said and avoided to meet his eyes.

'Yeah sure,' he said and waited; taking his time enjoying the chocolate.

'You doing that on purpose?'

'You wanna tell me what's going on?' he said.

'It's not like we ever shared our emotions or something...' Jane reminded him.

'Well...' he said after thinking it trough for a couple of seconds. What was there to loose? He did know things that Jane should know, shouldn't she? Maybe it'll help them both to finally realize the truth. But what if it doesn't work out at all? He hesitated for a second and saw the look on Jane's face. Of course she was suspicious now and she probably switched to 'detective-mode' already and wouldn't let go until he spilled the beans.

'Maybe... I could help,' he said and immediately regretted it. Jane raised an eyebrow at her baby brother.

'Really?' she asked and failed to tell where this was going. He took a fair amount of seconds to say something.

'Did anyone ever tell you what really happened?' he asked and his voice was serious again. For some reason she hadn't expected that question. Ever since Jane woke up everyone was trying hard not to tell her what happened to protect her. It bothered her, but she stopped thinking about it and pushed it away; trying to focus on recovery and safe her energy to get back to them later on.

'Well...' she said. 'Everyone was trying not to,' she said and Frankie knew it bothered her. He nodded quietly and tried to find the right way to start with.

'What happened?' Jane asked again for the millionth time; her voice was quiet and a part of her didn't want to know the truth but it wouldn't let her rest. She needed to know.

He took a deep breath and started:'The first time I realized when something was wrong was... actually Maura called me,' he said and looked at his sister.

_Maura? I knew it had something to do with her,_ she thought. _I've seen her! _

'The last thing I remember is that I was angry with her; we were in the morgue and I think it was that Fairfield case...' she tried to remember.

Frankie nodded again. 'All I know is that Maura went to your apartment; it must've been around midnight.' _Midnight? She only does that if something's really urgent._ 'She called Frost because you didn't open your door and neither answered your landline or your mobile and she was worried.'

_I was already abducted at that point,_ Jane stated to herself. _But where was Maura when it happened? There must be more._

'I got a call from Korsak; asking me if I knew where you are,' Frankie said and Jane tried to put it all together. She was still confused but she was slowly making progress.

'I honestly had no idea; I didn't hear from you so I figured you're at work, at home or out with Maura, ya know?'

Jane nodded and listened.

'It seemed weird that no one knew where you are.'

'What happened next?' Jane wanted to know.

'You car was still in the parking lot; your keys were found under it and you were nowhere to be found.'

_They came out of nowhere and before Jane knew what happened, she felt strong arms wrap around her body. She tried to fight but the drugs numbed her before she had the chance to catch a glimpse of her attacker. _

'I was about to get in the car...' she whispered more to herself. 'Where was Maura?' she wanted to know; she didn't accuse her of not being there when it happened, but she wanted to know what happened to Maura at that time.

'She... she was with you,' he said. 'At first.'

'I don't understand,' Jane admitted.

'I didn't see Maura that night, but you two obviously had an argument or something...' he said and Jane held her breath. _That Fairfield case._

'I think I was angry with her for some reason,' she said after thinking about it a little. 'Was that why she came back to my house?' Jane wanted to know, but it didn't make any sense. 'But... why didn't we just talk about it? Why would I leave her when we had an argument...'

Frankie sighed and his right hand touched his forehead; Jane knew he was keeping something from her.

'Frankie!' she warned him.

'There was more, Jane,' he finally admitted and she didn't like that. 'You actually did walk away.'

This time it was Jane who shook her head; there was a weird feeling spreading inside of her. Was it really fear? _What did I do?_

'Why would I do that?' she asked quietly; Frankie knew she was really worried now. She wouldn't care so much about anyone else, but they were talking about Maura and even Frankie knew that she was Jane's only exception.

'The next day...' Frankie started and tried to find the right words. _To tell her or not to tell her?_

'I was at work and everyone was a little worried, it was like they almost expected you to show up the next morning like nothing happened, but you didn't,' he said and didn't look at his sister. 'The point is that I didn't see Maura all day and she was... always around, you know?' he asked and Jane just nodded; she was carefully listening, she didn't want to miss a single thing.

'It was quite late when I went down to the morgue to see her,' he said and Jane felt nervous. _Please, tell me she was alright!_ 'She... she was crying, Janie,' he said and Jane felt unbearably sorry for friend. What had she done?

'Why?' Jane whispered. She actually felt stupid for asking that question but she didn't know what else to do.

'Because she was worried,' he said, but Jane knew there must've been more. She'd been dreaming about it, but she failed to remember the missing detail. 'She was really sad,' he said and Jane could tell from the sound of his voice that he felt the same. With remembering it and seeing her there; Maura surely had left a impression on him.

'I've never seen her like this,' Frankie admitted. 'I knew she was different when she was with you, but she wasn't the Pathologist that I, or everyone else, knows. She wasn't the unflappable Queen of the Dead, you know?' he explained and a short laughter escaped his lips and he shook his head. Jane was well-aware of her friend's reputation.

'She was sad and worried; even afraid. She was totally jazzed and I think she was... desperate and... angry,' he said. 'With herself.'

It took a moment to let that sink in, but it still didn't make any sense to Jane.

'I still don't understand...'

'She told me about your argument,' he said and interrupted Jane. 'And what it was about... You're right, it was that Fairfield case,' he added when he noticed the questioning look on his sister's face. 'I don't know what exactly you were arguing about, you should ask Maura about that or maybe drop it entirely,' he said and struggled with himself; asking whether to tell the truth or not.

'Just spill it Frankie!' she said; her patience was wearing very thin.

'Right,' he said and took a deep breath. 'She told you that she loved you and you just walked away,' he said and waited for a reaction. Jane didn't know what to think, did he really just say that? Did she?

'She blamed herself for saying it, because you walked away and she said it wouldn't have happened if she'd just kept her mouth shut...' he said but Jane was barely listening any longer. Now the dream and that memory finally made sense; now she knew what Maura was saying.

_'I love you, Jane.'_

She didn't know what to think. There were so many thoughts in her mind at that moment that she had no idea what to do; a part of her just wanted to cry. _Why did I leave?_ It didn't make any sense to her now and even the thought of leaving her friend alone broke her heart. She didn't really understand what these words actually meant right now.

'I'm sorry, Janie,' he said and looked at his sister. He once again realized that he wasn't talking to his 'badass-detective' sister right now. 'I shouldn't have told you.'

'No... no, no,' she said. 'I just... don't know...' she was struggling to find the right words.

'You wanna know what happened next?' he asked and ignored the fact that Jane was obviously completely devastated. He wanted to go on to give her time to think it through on her own, she probably wouldn't want it any other way.

She nodded silently.

'She went home on her own that night and the next time I saw her was the morning when...' he didn't say it but Jane understood.

'She sat in her car and waited and everyone was either too busy or too afraid to ask her how she was doing so I joined her, but we didn't talk much.'

Despite all these terrible things that happened, she couldn't love her brother more for comforting her friend when Jane wasn't there. It was a bit of a solace to know that she wasn't on her own entirely.

'She probably saved your life Jane,' he said when the mental passed. 'She was the first one to help you and certainly the only one who could. She was yelling at people for help, although she was completely shocked, she kept going until the ambulance arrived,' he said and looked at his sister. For one moment he considered sparing her the terrible details, but she deserved to know the truth. She kept asking for it anyways and she had made it clear that she didn't want anyone's protection when it came to this.

'She went with the ambulance and never let go off your hand until they entered the OR; I met her at the hospital and she was absolutely shattered,' he said and looked at his hands. He couldn't bear to face his sister. 'I felt so sorry for her as well,' he said and waited but Jane didn't interrupt him.

'She didn't talk to anyone; she was just lost in her thoughts. She sat there and her hands and parts of her clothes were stained with your blood; her hair was all messy and she wasn't that perfectly dressed person I used to know. She probably didn't sleep or eat much; she was just completely worn out,' Frankie said and waited. Jane still refused to say anything.

'I knew she cried a lot; I could see it in her face,' he said. 'Mum talked to her for a while; I think it made her feel a little better,' it touched Jane deeply that her family cared so much about her best friend when she needed it.

'Frost took her home when she knew you made it through surgery since she was in no condition to drive a car on her own,' he said. 'Looks like she's getting back to normal slowly, but I honestly don't think that true...'

'I thought she was different...' Jane said; she didn't comment on anything else, just liked Frankie expected it.

'It was hard for everyone.'

'I know... but despite that, she seemed different.'

'Just give her some time.'

'And then?' Jane wanted to know. She felt helpless and actually had no idea what to do now, how to face Maura now that she knew the truth.

'I guess you're the only one who can answer that...' he got up from the bed when she didn't say anything.

'You want me to leave?' he asked quietly and Jane simply nodded.

'Thank you,'she whispered before he left the room.

Jane felt numb when Frankie left her; what was she supposed to do now?

_I love you, Jane._

She never even considered that Maura might feel this way; or did she just miss it? She felt lonely when she was without her, she felt safe when she fell asleep in her bed with. Her smile always made Jane feel better; she missed the touches when it doesn't happen during a busy day. A day without Maura was weird; she needed her. But she never even dreamed that there might be more, for both of them.

It was confusing and Jane didn't like it at first. She didn't want to deal with this now as much as she wanted her best friend to be with her. She was now forced to think about her own feelings which was something she stopped a while ago; she just didn't know what she wanted.

Could she behave the same way toward her best friend now that she knew? Jane had no idea how she felt and if there will ever be more than friendship. Deep inside she knew there probably was more; she just couldn't deal with it yet.

_Do I really love her? What would that mean for both of us?_

Jane felt emotionally overwhelmed and somehow frustrated with herself. She didn't want to lose Maura; just the thought of it cause her pain.

It was almost 10pm when Maura entered the hospital; it was her first day back at work and it kept her extremely busy. She agreed to return for her own sake; she had to do something. While she tried her best to ignore the looks they were all giving her, she tried to focus on her work and was grateful to be left alone in the morgue.

She promised Jane that she'd come and her position as ME allowed her to slip in way beyond the visiting hours without having anyone to question that. She carefully entered the room to find Jane asleep; without giving it much of a thought she dropped into the chair beside the bed that became only too familiar over the last days. She watched her sleeping and felt terribly exhausted herself. She still didn't sleep well and being at work all suddenly seemed hard although she was glad about the change. She pulled her knees to her body and wrapped her arms around it.

It was just a matter of minutes until the tears started streaming down her face in silence; as much as Maura hated herself for it, there was nothing she could do about it. She was exhausted and the helplessness she felt was pretty hard on her.

'Hey,' Jane whispered when she saw her crying; she couldn't get up to hug her but she could ask her to stay.

Maura looked up and she didn't even bother to hide her tears.

'C'mere,' Jane said and put her blanket aside for Maura; she hesitated for a second and laid down beside Jane. She was careful at first, trying not to do anything that might hurt her. Their bodies snuggled up to each other; silently regarding the other one's presence.

They had both been longing for that for so long, or so it seemed and now they didn't want to let go anymore. Maura laid her head on Jane's shoulder, her right hand rested on her stomach without touching her wounds. She closed her eyes and felt Jane's body rise and fall; listening to the steady rhythm of her breath. The warmth of her body immediately made Maura feel better and Jane didn't feel that lonely any longer.

They didn't speak and Jane had no idea if Maura was asleep or not; she just kept her close and stared into the darkness when her eyes filled with tears.


	20. Chapter 20

**A/N: Guys, I'm so terribly sorry that it took me so damn long to update. I've been incredibly busy and I just didn't have the time. Felt really sorry though, believe me. I hope I'll be able to squeeze in a chapter here and there soon... Hope you'll like it x**

After a few weeks in the hospital Jane got used to the daily routines without paying much attention to it any longer. Nonetheless she felt herself getting more frustrated and impatient every day. To her mind it took too long; she wanted to be out of the hospital and at home already. What she'd prefer most was being back to work already but she knew that wouldn't happen.

And she didn't even expect that it won't be as easy as she thinks it is.

During the doctor's rounds, visitors and physio she still had a lot of time to think; probably more then was good for her. Jane still didn't have the heart to confront Maura about their argument and the fact that she walked away; and most important about the words that Maura'd said. Somehow Jane considered it unfair that she was lying to Maura; that she lied about knowing the truth. She wanted to talk to her so badly but she didn't know how to start.

And Jane would lie saying that she wasn't afraid. She didn't know what she felt about Maura and how to deal with everything that happened during the last few weeks. It was confusing and it made her angry; and it made her question everything she believed until then. She had no idea if she'll be able to deal with it; after all she had no one to talk to. Whenever it came to situations that needed to be talked through, Maura was the one Jane would trust. But now that it all seemed to be about her, it wasn't that easy any longer.

Jane felt like she was missing out on life in general. While her room had been packed with visitors in the beginning – sometimes more then she wanted to – there were hardly any people dropping by now. Life was going on and somehow Jane felt like being the only one who was stuck. What she realized most was the fact that she missed Maura. Her visits became less when she returned to work; it hurt Jane though she probably had no reason to be. On the one hand she was happy that Maura seemed to feel better – she doubt that it actually was true – and that life was going on the way it should be. Jane was happy for her though there was a trace of sadness coming long with it. Jane knew that, no matter what, she'd shatter it sooner or later. They'll have to talk and although she still had no idea what to do or say, she knew it wouldn't be easy.

Another week passed and Jane sat on the edge of her bed; looking at her hands. Faint bruises had left a shade of yellow on her skin and it would only be a mater of days until that was gone as well. She looked around the room and thought that she wouldn't miss a single second of her stay and she was looking forward to get home and sleep in her own bed, but she couldn't deny the feeling of fear lingering inside of her.

'You ready to go?' Frankie asked and brought her mind back to the present time.

'Yes,' she said and couldn't keep Frankie from taking her bag on their way out.

'You owe me,' he said.

'What for?' she asked.

'Mum wanted to throw you a welcome home party,' he said and laughed at the look on his sister's face.

'Please, tell me she didn't...' Jane said with a whiny tone in her voice.

'Talked her out of it,' Frankie simply said.

'Thank you,' Jane said and walked beside her baby brother.

'Thought you wouldn't like it...'

'Wait... is there something you want?' Jane asked suspiciously. 'Or something you did while I was in the hospital?'

Frankie laughed and got into the car. 'Don't be silly Janie.'

'Just sayin'

'Although...' he said and considered his words wisely. A part of him thought it was a little mean to do this, but he couldn't just say it out of the blue.

'Yes?' Jane wanted to know impatiently.

'You mind if I ask Maura out on a date?' he asked and tried to hide the smirk on his face but failed badly when he saw the look on his sister's face.

'Ouch!' he said when Jane hit his arm and he instantly reminded himself never to underestimate his sister's strength again.

'Not funny!' she said and Frankie knew he'd hit a weak spot. 'Don't even dare...' she warned him.

'I'm sorry...' he said. 'You're right. It wasn't funny.'

'No.'

'Come on, Janie. You know I'd never do that, especially with knowing that...' he started but wasn't sure whether to finish the sentence or not.

'You talked to her?' he finally asked and the seriousness returned to his voice. Jane leaned her head against the window and closed her eyes for a second.

'No,' she answered calmly and Frankie looked at her in silence. He'd never felt so sorry for his sister though he knew better then to tell.

'It's just so complicated...' Jane said more to herself.

'Things are only complicated if you make them complicated...' Frankie said and his sister raised an eyebrow at him.

'I mean... she loves and … you love her, where's your problem?'

'Easy for you to say that!' Jane said. 'And I never said that I love her...' Jane said and that sentence immediately caused her pain.

'True, but everyone knows Janie,' Frankie said and looked at her. 'No one knows, but they assume you do...'

'Who?'

'Everyone... like... Mum,' he said.

'She does?'

'You can try to fool lots of people, but not mum,' he said and laughed.

'Right,' Jane said and continued to look out of the window; it suddenly felt a little easier knowing that Angela knew. It surprised her that she didn't say a word; she was always quite talkative and she never held back, always keen on hooking her up with a guy. And yet she never said a word about Maura to her; she never even tried.

'Don't wait too long Janie,' was the last thing he said on their ride home. For some ridiculous reason Jane felt nervous when she stood in front of her front door. What was their to look forward to? She somehow remembered the messy couch with pillows everywhere; a coffee table crowded with old mags. She already resented all the dust that had probably settled on every available surface; all her dead plants that she'd tried to keep alive so hard in the past. She didn't even wanted to think of the food that she left behind in the fridge or the fact that she didn't have anything left to eat at all.

'Everything okay?' Frankie asked and Jane completely forgot that he was still with her; waiting for her to unlock the door.

'Yeah, sorry,' she said and unlocked the door. She walked into her apartment and stopped immediately; taking in the unexpected. She had expected a lot of things but this wasn't it. She was surprised and overwhelmed at the same time; she never imagined that she'd miss it all so much. Jane turned around and looked at her brother with a surprised look on her face but he just raised his hands and shook his head in silence. He entered the room and stopped next to his sister. Her apartment was clean and flooded with sunlight; some of the windows had been opened to let some fresh air in and there was a bunch of pretty lilies on the counter. The pillows on the couch had been sorted out neatly and the mess of mags was gone. Jane crossed the room and opened the fridge; it was packed with food, fruit and something to drink.

Jane knew that some things were way too healthy to her mind and she certainly wouldn't have bought it; but she loved every bit of it. She leaned her hands on the counter; a smile crossing her lips. The surface was sparkling clean and all her plants seemed to be blooming just fine.

Maura, she thought.

'You certainly have nicer friends then I have,' Frankie said and dropped Jane's bag on the floor.

'You don't have any friends...' Jane said and they laughed. It felt good, but the pain on the left side of her body reminded her of the fact that nothing was fine yet.

'Yeah, right,' Frankie said and let that pass. 'I gotta go now. You'll be alright?'

'Yes, thank you,' she said and walked around the counter to give him a hug. 'Don't forget to give mum a call or she'll be over here faster than you'll like her to be.'

'Sure, will do.'

Jane took a deep breath and absorbed the silence in her own home when he was gone. There was no sound of mechanical beeping, no staff members rushing through the ward; no disturbing sounds. There was just silence and it never felt more pleasant.

She took her time with unpacking her things and considered taking a shower.

_What did the doctors say?_

She wasn't quite sure if she was allowed to do that on her own, but what the hell could happen? She'd be very careful and slow; she felt great so what was there to worry? She entered her bedroom and found her bed neatly made and much to her surprise there was a piece of paper on her side of the bed.

She sat down carefully and reached out for the slip of paper; immediately recognizing Maura's neat handwriting.

_'Welcome Home'_

Jane held the note in her hand and felt her heart beating faster in anticipation. She smiled and was longing for her best friend to be with her; she sighed and put the note away. Slowly, Jane made her way to the bathroom and took her time to take off her clothes.

She stopped for a moment when she saw the plasters on her body. She pushed the memories away and everything was gone for a moment when the hot water washed over her body; taking everything away from her. It was amazing to be able to take a shower on her own which was something that was a bit of a complication in the past weeks.

She enjoyed being alone; she closed her eyes and suddenly pictured Maura in the shower with her. She felt a shiver running through her body and the thought passed as quickly as it came. Jane had no idea how much time passed since she was home; she did everything on turtle-speed and enjoyed every minute of it. She savored her liberty calmly.

By the time she re-entered her bedroom; the sun outside has already begun to set. She dressed herself in her yoga pants and was looking for her BPD shirt when she realized that it was gone and she had no idea were she put it. She laid down on her side of the bed; she was more exhausted then she expected herself to be and closed her eyes, hugging her pillow tightly.

She inhaled deeply and suddenly held her breath when she recognized the familiar scent on her own pillow. It wasn't her own, but the sweet and refreshing smell of orange blossom with a hint of vanilla. She took the scent in with all her senses and a smile crossed her lips once again. This scent filled her with happy memories of her best friend; it would always be familiar to her but it also made her long for Maura even more.

Jane loved the thought that Maura had been here; she was always with Jane even when she wasn't there. She loved that she slept in her bed and that she was about to fall asleep with Maura's scent around; by the time she woke up, she kept her eyes closed and listened carefully. Did she hear something?

Jane laid perfectly still and listened; she kept her eyes closed for a few more seconds; she still felt sleepy. It was then that she heard steps approaching; the tension was gone from her body when the scent, that she fell asleep to, suddenly became stronger. Jane slowly opened her eyes and watched Maura sitting down on the edge of the bed right next to her.

Their eyes met and Jane thought that she could certainly get used to that.

'Hey there,' Maura said calmly and smiled at Jane.


	21. Chapter 21

Chapter 21

'I'm sorry if I scared you,' Maura said softly and looked at her best friend. Jane had lost some weight over the last few weeks and it didn't pass unnoticed on her already thin body.

'I just wanted to make sure you got home safely,' Maura said and Jane moved a little so that Maura had enough space to lay down beside her.

'Thank you,' Jane said and looked at Maura. 'Thank you for everything,' she said and Maura understood.

'I just thought it might help your recovery to come home to a clean and nice apartment,' she said Maura laughed quietly. 'And I needed a distraction...' She didn't finish the sentence, but Jane understood and she noticed the sadness in her voice. She instantly remembered the conversation she had with Frankie and their way home and it immediately caused her pain, but she couldn't say all the things she had in mind. She really just couldn't; she had no idea how.

'That was lovely,' Jane said and took Maura's hand; they spent the next few minutes without talking and Jane felt Maura snuggling up to her; she wanted to be with Jane as much as she did but Jane was also aware that things had changed.

_It'll break her heart if I keep her close now without knowing what'll happen in the future._

Jane felt the tears burning in her eyes and she was glad that Maura's head rested on her shoulder so she couldn't see her face; she took a deep breath and blinked them away.

'Are you okay?' Maura said and looked up, a concerned look on her face.

'Yes,' Jane said and cleared her throat. Maura looked at her but Jane failed to read the expression on her face.

'What is that?' Maura suddenly said and Jane followed her gaze. 'Why's your shirt wet?' Maura said; judging by the tone of her voice she was worried but Jane couldn't understand what caused it. She looked at her shirt. The part where the plaster still covered the wound had soaked her shirt; she forgot to change it after taking a shower, because she fell asleep.

'I just took a shower,' Jane said in her defense, but Maura's hand had already reached out to lift her shirt carefully; the plaster was still in place but it was soaked as well.

'You should've changed it,' Maura said and Jane didn't miss the accusing tone in her friend's voice; she mentally prepared herself for a lecture on the irresponsibility of her actions.

Maura just looked at the plaster, but didn't touch it.

'And what do you mean, you took a shower?' Maura wanted to know and looked at her; Jane could tell that her friend wasn't particularly happy.

'Well...' Jane started and stared at the ceiling while she spoke. 'I stripped of my clothes, and there was some hot water too. And some lovely smelling shower gel...' Maura raised an eyebrow at her friend but kept her mouth closed.

'I guess you didn't have any... assistance?' she asked without looking at Jane.

'Actually there was this hot guy who lives on the second floor...' Jane said and noticed that her sarcasm was rather inappropriate and judging by the look on her friend's face, it struck home.

_She'd probably hate me if that really happened..._

'Do you think that's funny?' Maura asked matter-of-factly and sat down on the edge of the bed again.

'No,' Jane simply answered.

'What if something happened?' Maura asked. 'You just got out of the hospital.'

'It was just a shower...' Jane tried to justify herself. 'And... even if something had happened, you came by. It's not like no one would've come to my rescue for the next couple of days...'

'That's not the point,' Maura said angrily. 'You could've collapsed and seriously injured yourself...' Maura didn't even want to think of all the things that could've happened.

'I'm fine,' Jane said and felt a little frustrated. She just came out of the hospital and all she wanted was a little bit of peace and independence; she just couldn't understand why Maura made such a fuzz out of it.

'Right,' Maura said and got up. 'Since that's not getting us anywhere... I'll just drop it for now.' She turned around and pointed at Jane's stomach. 'That needs to be changed,' she said. 'Do you even have anything to do that?'

Jane closed her eyes and took a deep breath; suddenly angry with herself. She didn't even thought about that. The nurse told her she'd get her something to change it, just in case but Jane completely forgot about it. She couldn't understand the words that Maura murmured to herself on her way out, but she shook her head as well and Jane knew she was upset.

'Stay where you are,' Maura said when Jane wanted to get up from the bed; her body was still stiff from sleep because she didn't move since she woke up. Maura re-entered the bedroom with a first aid kit in her hand. Jane silently watched her preparing the change of her soaked plaster. The piercing smell of the disinfectant reminded her of the dreadful time in the hospital and she immediately resented it. It also reminded her of Maura; crying by her bedside when she woke up.

'I'm sorry,' Jane whispered when Maura gently lifted her shirt. Jane inhaled sharply when Maura started to peel off the plaster.

'Does it hurt?' Maura wanted to know without facing Jane.

'No,' she answered; she just expected it to hurt but it didn't.

Jane closed her eyes when she felt Maura's hands working gently and precisely; she suddenly felt tensed and unsure of what to do.

'Everything looks good,' Maura said and Jane didn't miss the cold and distant sound of her voice. 'Be more careful the next time,' she said and left the bedroom. Jane got up and followed her without a word.

'By the way, I brought you some food,' Maura said and Jane saw the Chinese food waiting on the counter.

'Thank you,' Jane said and felt guilty. Only twenty minutes ago, everything seemed fine and she had no idea what was happening between them right now. She silently got plates and cutlery while Maura put the first aid-kit back on her own bag.

They were both aware of the terrible silence that had settled between them during the dinner but Maura wasn't ready to give in. She couldn't quite tell what bothered her so much; she needed a bit of time.

'How's everyone back at work?' Jane asked to break the silence.

'I guess it's gone back to normal by now,' she said and looked up from her plate. 'More or less.'

'Since when do you make guesses?'

She took her time answering the question and said: 'Things change.' Jane didn't know what to say and waited. 'I don't spend much time up there...'

Jane knew she was talking about the Homicide Unit and she knew enough reasons why Maura would avoid them now. She didn't blame her, but the picture of her friend being lonely and abandoned in a silent morgue broke her heart. She carefully put her hand on Maura's that was resting on the table; Maura looked at their hands and closed her eyes.

_I miss you so much._

'Are you alright?' Jane asked calmly.

'Yes, I am,' she answered and faced her friend for a second.

_No, I'm not, she thought but didn't have the heart to admit the truth. It hurts so much._

'You hardly ate anything...' Jane said. 'What's it Maura?'

_I'm confused, she thought. And upset and I don't know what to do. I feel like I'm loosing you._

'I'm just tired...' she finally said quietly.

'Okay,' Jane answered and knew that she lied but she didn't want to go too far.

'I think I should go now,' Maura said after a while. She wanted to stay with all her heart, but she wasn't ready to be weak now; she wasn't ready to give in.

'Thank you for everything,' Jane said again.

'You're welcome,' Maura said when she stood by the door, for a second she seemed to be the person that Jane used to know. Their eyes locked and Jane asked herself if it was already too late. She wanted to close her in her arms, but she seemed so far away.

For a second Maura hoped that Jane would make her stay, but she didn't.

'See you soon,' Jane said and Maura nodded; she left silently. Jane closed the door behind her and sat down on the floor, her back against the door; her face in her hands.


	22. Chapter 22

**A/N: So I have finally have a bit of time to breathe :) I thought I'll give you one more chapter before I'll be on vacay next week! Enjoy.**

* * *

_You can hide, _

_hold all your feelings inside,_

_You could try to carry on_

_when all you wanna do is cry._

_And maybe someday we'll figure all this out,_

_put an end to all our doubts._

_('Someday' – Rob Thomas)_

Jane sat motionless in front of her door, staring into her empty apartment. She felt the pressure on her chest and tried to inhale deeply but it seemed impossible.

She didn't know what to do. She was still used to her daily hospital routine ans she had no idea what to do with herself.

She desperately needed someone to talk to and she even considered calling her mother, but what would she say? And who else was there left to call? The only person she ever called was out of reach and Frankie just didn't appear to be the right person for this matter though she was grateful for everything he did recently.

She wanted to talk to Maura and hug her and simply feel her presence close to her, she felt that there was not only a part of her life, but a part of herself missing. Jane felt her frustration growing but she felt unable to do something against it; she didn't feel strong enough.

She wanted to get up and call her mother but all she did is staring into the air, without being able to move. She wanted to get up and do it, but she felt exhausted and physically drained. Her body refused to obey her wishes and she remained by the door, doing nothing.

With the time passing by, Jane got furious. She slowly realized that things weren't as easy as she thought they would be. What did she expect? That she'll return and everything will be the same? Like nothing ever happened? That was what she wished, but the reality had other plans. Being captured and almost killed affected her more then she ever thought was possible. It nearly ended her life, taking her away from every person she loved. It temporarily took her job and the life she was used to. She felt weak and vulnerable; didn't she always believe that she would be able to protect herself because she was a smart detective who carried a gun?

After what happened with Hoyt that was the only thing she relied on and she had once again been proven wrong and it scared her. She was trying to cope with it but she was't ready to let anyone else be a part of it. It made her sad and furious at the same time when she realized that the incident was also taking Maura away from her. Ever since it all happened, things seemed differently and it didn't help that Jane knew the real reason. It broke her heart when she found out; because she walked away and had been such a coward to stay and face it.

_What if I stayed? Jane asked herself. I probably wouldn't be sitting here like this._

Why was she so scared to face her feelings? After all, it all kept getting back to Maura. She was the one person Jane felt entirely comfortable with; the only one she trusted and allowed to see a person that did not hide behind a badge and a gun. She was the only one Jane trusted deeply; the only one who always managed to put a smile on her face, sometimes even without doing a single thing. Jane remembered all those mornings waking up next to Maura and enjoyed the moments she silently watched her sleeping. She felt completely comfortable with it and she used to think there was nothing more beautiful in her life. It became such an important part of her daily life that she missed her friend as soon as she feel asleep alone.

They always had something to talk about and even their silence was comforting and perfectly fine. It hurt Jane to see how much it all had changed; the silence between them tonight was torturing and painful; filled with emotions weighing down on them and no one seemed to have an idea how to deal with it.

Everything seemed fine, considering the circumstances, and Maura suddenly got angry because Jane was careless. She didn't just make a fuzz out of it; she was actually worried and Jane suddenly thought that there had been way too many times for Maura to be worried about losing her. Not just worried, but terrified.

Jane sighed; she couldn't even imagine what she went through. The pain she felt when she thought of losing Maura was unbearable so she actually had a slight imagination of how she might have felt. Jane noticed that she had lost weight and how tired she seemed to be; the one who was always so talkative retreated to unbearable silence. Jane failed to see that she was looking at a woman who had been about to lose her best and only friend, the woman she loved.

By the time Jane finally got up it was too late to call her mum; she'd probably be scared to have the phone ringing at that time of the day and Jane didn't want to do that to her now. She switched off the lights and went straight back to bed.

Maura didn't notice how she got home exactly; she had already memorized the way from Jane's to her house. She didn't think about it while she drove; she didn't think about anything at all. She was exhausted and tired and by the time she entered her house she felt numb. There was nothing but silence in her apartment but it seemed only too pleasant compared to the silence that caused her pain when she was with Jane.

She went to the kitchen to get a drink and ended up staring at the empty glass in front of her. Her hands gripped the edge of the counter and she closed her eyes. The nightmares hadn't ceased yet and she hardly remembered a night she slept through until morning. She wanted to cry but it felt like there was nothing left except emptiness.

She loved Jane with all her heart, but it was never supposed to happen. How could she've been so stupid? She should've known better. Maura shook her head and opened her eyes; where did it take them? She bit her lip and thought of the night that changed it all.

_Why didn't I keep my mouth shut?_ She asked herself and felt the pressure heavily on her chest. _I shouldn't have said it and she'd never turned her back on me. They wouldn't have taken her._ A part of Maura knew that they might've found another chance to capture Jane, but she didn't want to believe it for now.

_She'd never have been gone and we'd be fine now. She'd be with me and we'd laugh and talk or just be quiet, but she'd be with me. _

These thoughts tortured her every night she woke up from a nightmare, panting for air; tears in her eyes, drenched in sweat. She'd close her eyes and feel her heart drumming against her chest, waiting for her breath to get back to normal and eventually go back to sleep with the fear lingering around.

And there was always the question that she failed to answer.

_Why?_

She never felt so lonely since she first moved to Boston; she'd wake up and look for Jane only to find her bed empty. Maura had never felt so helpless and there was no one she could talk to. She was angry with everyone around her, with Jane and most of all she was angry with herself. Her patience was wearing thin and her frustration growing and she didn't know what was there left to do.

She felt the anger spreading inside of her and without knowing what she was doing she took the empty glass and smashed it against the wall; the shattering glass piercing through the silence of the room. She didn't bother with picking up the pieces and left the room.

During the next week Jane refused to talk to anyone; avoiding it whenever it was possible. She was pissed with not being able to go back to work; angry because she failed to figure out what she wanted and she hated herself for being so pitiful with herself. She'd never been that kind of person and she hated whiny people which was one of the fact why she now hated being like that herself. She didn't know what to do and the lack of work bored her. She didn't leave her apartment on her own because she was afraid. She couldn't quite tell why or what she was scared of, but she knew it was there.

She once considered going to the BPD; she just wanted to get back into her life, getting out of her home but she changed her mind at last and stayed at home. It suddenly didn't seem like the right place to be. Would she ever be able to walked on the front steps of the headquarters without remembering that she nearly died on these steps?

It was Friday night when Angela showed up at her door and Jane opened the door only reluctantly and let her in.

'You look terrible,' was the first thing she said when she looked at her daughter and entered.

'Thanks,' Jane said and rolled her eyes.

'Seriously, Janie,' Angela started and Jane sat down on the sofa and tried to ignore her. 'Why didn't you call? Or pick up the phone for a change?'

'Was busy.'

'Doing what?' Angela asked and looked at her daughter; Jane knew she was angry and she actually couldn't blame her though it didn't help.

'I just didn't want to talk to anyone,' Jane said and turned around to face her mother.

'Right, because it helps so much to hide in here?' she wanted to know.

'I don't want people feeling sorry for me... I hate that!'

'Well, you're the only one feeling sorry for yourself!' she said and Jane knew she had a point, but it hurt to hear her saying it.

Jane crossed her arms in front of her chest and remained silent; much to her surprise Angela sat down next to her.

'Frankie told me he saw Maura at work and she didn't look good either,' she said and Jane looked at her mother.

'I don't know what to do...' Jane admitted, remembering that her mum probably had no idea about the things that troubled Jane so much, despite the obvious.

'She seems so different and... I just don't know what to do,' Jane said and Angela knew that her daughter was really desperate; she usually hated admitted being helpless.

'I don't know what happened between the two of you,' her mother's voice was serious and calm. 'But what I know is that I held this woman in my arms when she way crying because she thought you were going to die.'

Jane turned away from her mother and tried to breathe calmly; she didn't expected to hear that, she never wanted to. Reality was finally catching up and she knew there was no way to deny it any longer. She wasn't the only one who suffered through all this; it caused a great deal of pain to her family and her friends.

Jane looked at her mother, feeling defeated. She leaned onto her shoulder and gratefully accepted her mother's embrace.

'You know Janie,' Angela said. 'Sometimes, you don't have to say anything. Just do it.'

Jane thought about her mother's words long after she was gone; she was right. She had to do something.

A couple of days later she told herself all morning that she'd be fine with leaving the house and just as she was about to do so, she almost ran into Maura as soon as she opened the door.

'Am I keeping you from something?' she asked and Jane stepped aside.

'I... no, come in,' she said; Maura looked like she she didn't get much sleep last night.

'I didn't her anything from you,' Maura said calmly and stood in front of Jane; she couldn't tell if there was any accusation in her words or just sadness.

'I didn't know what to do,' Jane said. 'I... this...' she said and pointed to her stomach where she'd been shot. 'I don't know if I can deal with it,' she told Maura. 'It's all too much.'

'Oh and pushing people away helps?'

'You sound like my mother.'

'She was well damn right,' Maura said and Jane didn't fail to notice the anger flickering in her eyes. 'Do you really think you're the only who suffered? Poor Jane was the only one getting harmed in this?' she said and Jane took a step back, waiting for what was next.

'Let me tell you something,' Maura said and Jane didn't like the tone of her voice. She knew someone would get hurt sooner or later. 'You were not the only one. What do you think your family and your colleagues felt when they found out you were missing? When they waited all these days for you to show up? Do you really think it passed without leaving a mark?'

She took a deep breath and her voice was calmer.

'Do you know how I felt when you walked away from me that night? Do you even remember that?' her voice was teary but she didn't allow herself to cry. 'You have no idea what we've been through at that time. I know it's been hard on you and I'm deeply sorry but you're not the only who got hurt.'

Jane knew she'd made a mistake, but Maura wasn't done talking.

'All the time I've waited, praying that you'd just turn up somehow and everything would be fine,' the sadness in her voice made Jane want to cry. 'But you didn't and all I could do was wait and hope that you were still alive out there,' Jane didn't miss the anger in her voice either.

Maura turned her head away from Jane for a second before she spoke again.

'All the time I was asking myself if I'll see you again; my days seemed endless and all I thought about was you; trapped somewhere. I felt like being caught in a nightmare when I watched you being shot. I just stood there and there was nothing I could do,' Maura said and her voice was calm and full of sadness and Jane didn't need to ask; she knew Maura was somehow blaming herself for what happened.

'I watched you go down, Jane,' she said and her voice was nearly a whisper by now; it caused her so much pain that she could hardly speak. 'I thought this was it. I'll never talk to you again. It was over. I had your blood on my hands,' she whispered and looked at her own hands in disbelief. 'I had it on my hands and there was nothing I could do. I just sat there watching you die in my hands,' she shook her head.

'I spent all these hours at the hospital, praying that you'll make it through your surgery,' she spoke through gritted teeth. 'And all you can do is hide in here? Refusing to let anyone help!' she raised her voice and Jane was too surprised and shocked at the same time to react. 'For hours I sat by your bed and I cried, wishing you'd wake up and live; I wanted to tell you so many things and I needed you to be alive,' Maura screamed, tears in her eyes. 'And all you can do is hide?'

'Maura...' Jane said, desperate to calm her down because this was clearly going the wrong way.

'I'm not done!' she snapped and Jane was taken aback by her anger. 'I know it's scary; how do you think I feel when I wake up from the nightmares it causes me every damn night. I see you dying; I've been there Jane, but I can't run away either.'

'Maura,' Jane tried again and approached her.

'No,' she said and her voice was still raised. 'I don't know waht to do and I'm sick of being pushed away because-' she screamed angrily but then there was silence. Jane didn't know what to say and she remembered Angela's words and she didn't have time to consider the consequences of her actions.

She interrupted Maura when she cupped her face with her hands and sealed her lips with a kiss; for a moment there was silence and Maura was to surprised to move. The moment seemed to last forever and Maura was too confused to react. She broke the kiss and took a step back and looked at Jane; she seemed helpless. Maura bit her lip and Jane didn't know if she was angry or hurt.

She opened her mouth to say something, but words failed her; and Jane watched her leaving again without being able to hold her back.

* * *

**A/N: I put that at the end... I'm sorry to end it here and it hurts me to keep them apart again. I won't say much but I promise you with all my heart that this was the last thing keeping them apart; I'm finally about to sort things out for them and this was the first step. All I can do is ask you to bear with me and trust me. Thank you all so much 3**


	23. Chapter 23

**A/N: It didn't end where I wanted it to or where I said it would so I'll put 'it' in the next chapter. Whatever that will be ;) It's too important (to me at least...) to squeeze it into this chapter; wouldn't have felt right to do so... Just have a look and enjoy!**

* * *

Jane watched her leaving; too touched to move. Her mind still hadn't processed what has just happened. She closed her eyes and felt Maura's lips on her own, so soft and sweet. She was still stunned by her own action when she touched her lip with a finger; the same place where Maura's lips had touched her own.

All the time Jane had doubted her feelings for Maura and now she couldn't do that any longer, there was no doubt about it, but what if it was too late now? She stared at the door and a part of her wished that Maura was still there, waiting for her.

By the time Jane opened the door and walked down the stairs as quickly as her condition allowed her to, Maura was already gone. She sat down on the front steps of the house and laid her head in her hands. She took a few deep breaths, inhaling the fresh air. Now that she'd finally left the shelter of her own apartment she couldn't tell why she'd been so afraid in the first place.

She watched the cars driving by and listened to the busy life that was passing by. She doubted that anyone even noticed that she was there; they were all pretty much occupied with their own lives. Jane sighed and stared straight ahead.

_What if I crossed the line?_ She asked herself. _What if I pushed her away for good now? _

She leaned her head against the stone wall; lost in thoughts.

_'You're not the only one who got hurt,' _she heard Maura's voice in her head.

Yes, she hurt Maura more then she ever dreamed of. She always told herself that she'd never hurt her, but she did and it was hers to find a way to make her feel better. She couldn't make it undone, but she could make it better one day.

_'I had your blood on my hands... I had it on my hands and there was nothing I could do. I just sat there watching you die in my hands.'_

Jane looked at her own hands instantly; looked at the faded scars at the back of her hands and for a second she saw them covered in blood. Warm and sticky and it left her unable to breathe when she imagined it might be Maura's.

She wanted to hold her friend's hands in her own and place a soft kiss on the back of each one; just like Maura did when Jane finally woke up after her surgery. The need to be physically close to Maura suddenly seemed so strong that she couldn't take it any longer. She walked back to her apartment to gather her things and watched the sun starting to set as she drove to her parent's house.

_'… how do you think I feel when I wake up from the nightmares it causes me every damn night. I see you dying; I've been there Jane, but I can't run away either.'_

Jane immediately saw Maura starting from her sleep late at night; terrified of all the things that her brain forced her to see in her sleep, no idea where she was. And the worst thing of all, realizing that she was lonely. Jane wanted to be there when it happened. She wanted to snuggle up to her and hold her until she calmed down and went back to sleep. She wanted to watch her sleeping peacefully just like she used to before their lives were messed up by a dirty cop.

She didn't know where the sudden urge to go to her parent's house came from, but she needed the familiarity of the house she grew up in. With all the chaos in her life she needed something to rely on and that just seemed to be the right place. Her mother never said a word about Maura to her; not in the relationship kind of way but Frankie said it.

Angela somehow knew it but she knew better then to say anything now; the way she sat with her last Friday meant everything to Jane. She drove along the familiar street of her childhood and by the time she got out of the car her mother was already waiting by the door.

Angela watched her daughter approaching and simply stepped aside to let her in. Judging by the smell she was cooking so Jane went straight into the kitchen and sat down on a chair; Angela looked at her only daughter for a few seconds and entered the kitchen, going back to where she left off.

'You alright?' she asked without looking at Jane.

'Mhm,' Jane answered and stared out of the window behind her mum. She didn't feel like talking at all; she was lost in thoughts and she still felt Maura's lips on her own.

Angela granted her a few more seconds of silence before she talked again.

'Wanna talk about it?' she offered and put the knife away to face her daughter.

'No,' Jane said quietly; she knew it was a lie, but she had no idea what to say.

'I sorta have a feelin' that... whatever it is between Maura and you, isn't solved,' she said and Jane busied herself with her hands; trying not to answer to that.

Much to her pleasure her dad just walked through the front door. Angela looked at Jane for a couple of seconds and Jane faced her but didn't say a thing.

'Well look who's here,' she said when Frank entered the kitchen.

'Hey girl,' he said and Jane got up to hug her father.

'Hey dad,' she said calmly and went back to her chair to sit in silence and wait.

_Wait for what?_

Frank looked at her and then at his wife; knowing that there was something that obviously needed to be talked through he was only too happy to excuse himself.

'I'll be in the garden,' he said and left without waiting for an answer.

'Jane,' Angela said softly.

'Mum, please,' Jane begged her not to go there. She wanted to talk about this, but something about the whole thing made her feel awkward. She hated the way she treated her best friend and surprising her with a kiss probably wasn't the wisest thing to do.

'It's not like I don't know that already...' she said more to herself and she suddenly had Jane's attention.

'Know what?' she asked.

'You know...' Jane knew her mum. On the one hand she desperately wanted to talk about it and on the other hand she probably felt a little uncomfortable. 'That there's more between... you and Maura,' she said and Jane had the feeling that her mother was trying not to face her daughter at that moment.

'I never said that,' Jane said and it burned like acid in her stomach.

'You don't need to say it...'

'What's that supposed to mean?' Jane wanted to know though she had a feeling.

'Oh c'mon Janie,' Angela said and faced her this time. 'I'm your mother and... of course I know... If I like it or not...'

'Right,' Jane said and she didn't know whether to be happy about that or not. One less thing to worry about, right? 'But we're not having that discussion now...' to admit the fact that she loved her best friend to her mother was too much considering that she failed to admit that for herself or Maura at least.

'So...' Angela started.

'Mum, please,' Jane said quietly and they retreated back to their silence.

With different circumstances Angela would've pushed it to the edge but when she looked at her daughter sitting in the kitchen she realized that there was nothing left of the though detective who was always ready to be pushed over the edge by her mother. And tonight, all Angela saw was an exhausted and confused woman whose life was a complete mess while her best friend, for some reason she hadn't quite figured out yet, wasn't there. She didn't blame Maura, she saw what she'd gone through the last weeks and the more she thought about it the more she felt sorry for Maura as well.

It was their first dinner since Jane got out of the hospital; though it wasn't planned it was the best thing that happened to Jane in a while. She didn't want her mother to plan every single detail and give her a chance to make a big fuzz out of it. As much as she loved being home, Jane was glad when the dinner was over. They didn't seem much to talk about for now, considering everything that happened they all tried to avoid it as much as possible which resolved in a conversation that appeared rather awkward and forced.

They talked about her father's work and the latest gossip concerning the neighbors and her mother tried her best to avoid any kind of subject that might involve Maura or kidnapping.

Jane was grateful when she finally had the chance to lay down on the bed in her room and stared at the ceiling, thinking about her friend, until she fell asleep.

Maura just returned home from an exhausting day at work, she still felt lonely and she hardly talked to anyone. She was only too glad that Yoshima wasn't a talkative person so they both got along quite well without the need for conversation.

She absentmindedly started to prepare something to eat; lost in thoughts when she cut some tomatoes for a salad. She hadn't talked to Jane since she left her again. She didn't intend to, but didn't feel like she actually had a choice.

She was so furious, but felt better at the same time. Jane knew what she thought about her bring so defensive and what she herself had been going through the whole time. It felt better now that she got it off her chest, but what good did it really bring?

She still couldn't talk to her friend like she used to and all the time she was asking herself if Jane had feelings for her. She just couldn't tell and when she kissed her out of the blue she didn't know whether to be happy, angry or confused.

Maybe it was a bit of everything and she had to admit that it didn't help at all. Did she just do it in the heat of the moment? An attempt to silence her during an argument? Or was there really more? But if so, Jane's timing was certainly bad.

She stared at Jane in disbelieve the first second; she'd always imagined how it might feel to kiss her, but this wasn't what she had in mind and she didn't like it. She was angry because Jane took that away from her, she knew that it was silly but she didn't care. She just wanted to be angry with her and she thought she had every right to be. She needed her anger to cope.

At the same time she still felt terribly lonely. She was swept off her feet when her lips met Jane's and she was craving for more; she just had a painful urge to be physically close to someone. She couldn't just stay so she left Jane's and got in her car to get home. She underestimated the effect the kiss had on her and although she had been waiting for any kind of a hint from Jane, she didn't know if that was the right thing. She parked the car in the driveway but didn't get out. She just sat there in silence and closed her eyes; then the tears started falling down her cheeks and she waited patiently until the only sound she heard was the sound of her own sobs.

It took some time until she felt comfortable enough to get out of her car and enter her house; now that she thought about it she actually felt stupid. What was she supposed to do now? Just ignore it and pretend it didn't happen?

She shook her head in silence and sighed. She picked up her phone, knowing Jane's number by heart but she didn't have the heart to call her. After the third failed attempt she put it aside and ate her dinner in silence; she decided to give it another try when she finished and when she finally had the nerve to call no one picked up the phone.

Maybe Jane was already asleep or she simply didn't want to talk to her; Maura felt a little disappointed and when she went to bed that night she felt lost and lonely. She was even afraid of what the night would bring; she doubted that she'd sleep through until morning.

'See you Mum,' Jane told her mum goodbye in the morning.

'Take care, will ya?' she said and Jane nodded and she could tell from the expression on Angela's face that she wanted to say something but changed her mind after all. Jane drove back to her apartment, thinking about the last few hours. Did she really feel better now? She couldn't tell. Her apartment was still the same when she got back; actually everything seemed to be the same and Jane was getting tied of it. She needed something else; she had to get out of her but where was she supposed to go?

She sighed and sat down on the couch when someone knocked on her door. She listened carefully for a second and considered getting her gun when she remembered that she didn't have it. She just got home; did anyone see or follow her?

'Jane?' she heard a man asking. 'Come one, I know you're there!'

'Frost?' she said and got up to open the door; she was relieved when she recognized his voice but surprised at the same time.

'Hey Jane,' he said when she opened the door and he hugged her carefully.

'Nice to see you,' she said and meant it. 'I can't stand it any more, I have to get out of here...'

'I bet you do,' Frost said and they sat down again. 'Listen,' he started, getting straight to business and he immediately had Jane's attention.

'Is everything alright?' Jane wanted to know.

'That's what I'm asking you,' he said. 'Look, I know we never really have been friends. You're my partner and that's fine. I like you and we get along, but it's not that we ever really talked and that kind of stuff, you know?'

'Yes, I do.'

'But I have to do this now...' he said took a deep breath. 'What the hell is going on with you and Dr. Isles?

Jane looked at him with a questioning look on her face and he knew he had to be careful because he just hit a weak spot.

'I hardly ever see her around anymore and I think that's kinda strange. It's like she's there but at the same time she isn't. She looks... bad, you know? She seems so sad and she's so distant. There was an autopsy yesterday and I guess we could as well have been strangers there, that's so not like her,' he said and looked at his partner.

'Jane, I saw her crying. I see a lot of things, I deal with a lot of things, but this? No,' he said. 'That's just something I can't handle. She seems so lonely and... even lost and Dr. Isles is usually one of the most organized people I've ever met.'

Jane took a deep breath; she couldn't look at him. Even he noticed it and they all knew that something was going terribly wrong here.

'Whatever it is, Jane,' he started. 'Get that sorted out,' he wasn't asking her to do it; he was telling her to do so. 'I don't know if I'm the right person to tell you this, but I just will. You'd be a fool to let her go, you know that, right?'

Jane nodded quietly.

'She would go through hell for you Jane,' he said. 'God knows, she already did.'

He was right and Jane knew it; she didn't wait long after he left and made her way to Maura's house.


	24. Chapter 24

**A/N: I'm deeply sorry I kept them apart for so long but I promised I would sort this out. First of all I'd like to thank you all for the wonderful reviews, they really make my day! Thank you so very much for sticking with me and I hope you still enjoy the story no matter what. I really hope you'll enjoy this chapter, I tried my best!**

* * *

_I know you_

_Haven't made_

_Your mind up yet_

_But I would never_

_Do you wrong_

_I've known it_

_From the moment_

_That we met_

_No doubt in my mind_

_Where you belong_

_('Make you feel my love' - Adele)_

It was just a matter of time until the sun began to set but it was still quite humid when Jane left the building. Nonetheless she kept her hoodie on, because the chill she felt never really faded. While she drove on the familiar streets to Maura's house she was well aware of the pressure on her chest and her heart pounding against her chest.

_'She would go through hell for you Jane,' he said. 'God knows, she already did.'_

Jane kept hearing his word's over and over ever since he left Jane to deal with it; she couldn't be more grateful for what he did and for the fact that he had the courage to come over and tell her the truth. She never wanted to hurt Maura and she couldn't run away any longer. She knew that this was her very last chance to make it right.

She couldn't deny the fear that seeped into her veins the closer she got to Maura's house.

_Why was it so difficult? What if I can't make it right? Do I really know what the right thing is?_

There were so many possibilities and all she could do was hope that she'd find the right words to say. If there was only one thing she realized, it was the fact that she can't life without Maura. A part of her still laughed about this, it sounded somewhat cheesy but it was the truth and Jane didn't care. She needed Maura in her life like nothing else. She was her best friend and sometimes her only friend. Jane needed the way Maura looked at her from time to time; the way she casually touched her hand during a conversation and she even needed her when she criticized her choice of clothes or her preferred choice of unhealthy food.

Jane felt stupid because it had been right in front of her, all the time. Had she simply been to stupid to see it or had she been so ignorant because she didn't want to know or deal with it? She really couldn't tell and it bothered her. Maura told her that she loved her and she turned her back on her friend instead of facing it the way she should've. She couldn't even imagine the pain and the disappointment she felt at that moment; she didn't deserve it.

When she parked her car in front of Maura's house she remained in the car for another second; she felt stupid for being so nervous. She was her friend after all and not a stranger she'd never seen before. When she walked toward the front door the pressure on her chest seemed almost unbearable and she tried to breath calmly, feeling eerily calm at the same time.

Maura sipped her glass of wine in silence; her eyes hurt and she put the file aside. Too many information after an exhausting day at work. She turned around when she heard a car and in front of her house and put the glass aside when she saw Jane walking toward her front door. She instantly opened the door and Jane walked into the house without a word; Maura watched her entering the living room and followed her; keeping a small distance between them.

She could tell that Jane was uncomfortable for some reason; she'd revised this moment many times ever since she left her apartment; she had things in mind that she wanted to say, she had it all planned out perfectly but when she looked at Jane standing at the other side of the room it was all gone. All her anger was rushed out of her body and replaced by the urge to hug the other woman, to be close to her and inhale the familiar scent that she loved so much. She wanted to feel the warmth of her body and she missed her so much that the desperation made it almost unbearable. She wanted to forget everything that happened; every word that was spoken and everything they did. She would've given everything she had to make it undone for just one moment to be with Jane like she used to.

The last time Maura looked at Jane was when she yelled at her but she didn't care any longer. She wanted her best friend back and if that meant that she'd live the rest of her life with hiding her true feelings she was willing to endure her pain silently; even the thought of it broke her heart and made it almost impossible to breathe but she would get over it one day. She would be strong enough to do if that's what it takes.

All Maura saw is an exhausted woman scarred by the incidents that had turned their lives upside down. She appeared unsure of what to do, maybe even uncomfortable in a place that she usually loved so much; a place she felt safe and comfortable in. The hoodie she was wearing seemed way too big on her thin body, her hair tied back in a ponytail and there were shadows beneath her eyes from the lack of sleep; it touched Maura deeply to see her friend so sensitive.

They looked at each other in silence; carefully at first and neither one dared to break the silence. Jane was tired of being alone and confused, she wanted it to be over; she needed a chance to start anew and leave everything that happened behind but she couldn't and didn't want to do it without Maura. The pressure on her chest hadn't ceased; she finally took a deep breath and bit her lip to suppress the sobs but it didn't stop the tears and there was nothing she could do and she didn't want to. She turned her head slightly and looked out of the window when she felt the hot tears burning on her cheeks.

_Is she really crying? _Maura asked herself and was too stunned to move. She watched the tears falling quietly and closed her eyes for a second. It was hard to remember a time she'd seen her friend so vulnerable; she wasn't the though and sarcastic detective she always pretended to be. Maura knew that there was another side of Jane, but it always hurt to see her like this.

'Look...' Jane said with a hoarse voice and bit her lip; shaking her head to herself. 'I...' she started and wrapped her arms around her herself. 'I know about... our argument,' she said quietly with a teary voice. 'Frankie told me,' she added when she noticed the confused look on Maura's face. Maura looked at the ground for a second; she had almost forgotten about that one.

'I'm so sorry...' Jane said and her voice nearly died at the end of the sentence and all Maura wanted to do was wipe the fresh tears away with her fingers to make her feel better. 'Im so sorry I walked away,' she whispered and Maura felt the pain inside her stomach; the disappointment she felt when her friend turned around and left her. 'I don't know... why I left. I wish I could tell you... but...' she choked back some more tears and tightened her arms around her body, attempting to soothe herself.

'I didn't know what happened and...' she took another deep breath and tried desperately not to burst into tears while she talked. 'All I could think about was you,' she finally faced Maura, her face wet with tears. 'I don't remember much, but I remember you,' she whispered. 'I thought of so many things I wanted to tell you when I see you again, but...' she looked to the ceiling and bit her lip, wiping a few tears from her face with the sleeve of her hoodie. Maura approached slowly, but she didn't say a thing; she didn't want to interrupt Jane.

'When I watched you leaving... I realized how much I needed you,' she said and looked at Maura. 'I missed you so much,' she said and Maura could feel her pain while she spoke. 'I missed talking to you and... being with you and the way you sometimes touched my hand during a conversation and... and I even miss the way you drive me crazy sometimes,' Jane said with a voice that was still tearful. 'And most of all I miss falling asleep next to you,' she whispered and this time it was Maura's turn to look away and she quickly wiped the tears away with her thumb.

'I'm so sorry I hurt you, Maur,' Jane said after a few seconds of silence. 'And.. I... I shouldn't have kissed you like this...'

'Jane...' Maura said and it was the first time she spoke since Jane arrived. Her voice was only a whisper and full of emotions.

'I know,' Jane interrupted her. 'I know it... I know what you told me before I left,' she said and Maura understood. She watched Maura approaching; unsure of what was about to happen.

'Why? I just didn't understand...' she whispered and her voice was full of sadness. Jane knew the truth but would it help? She suddenly felt panic coming up. What if this was the moment Jane would finally reject her? She couldn't breathe and she felt the hot tears burning in her eyes.

Jane carefully reached out to take Maura's hand; tightening her fingers around her hand when she felt Maura taking it; she stepped closer and stood only inches away.

'I'm tired of running away Maur,' she whispered and closed her eyes. Without giving it another thought Maura leaned forward and placed a feather-light kiss on Jane's cheek, slowly kissing the tears away. Jane kept her eyes closed and held her breath. She brought Maura's hand to her cheek and leaned into the touch just like she did weeks ago in the hospital.

Maura placed another kiss on Jane's forehead and leaned into her friend's arms, their cheeks against each other.

'Stay with me, Jane,' Maura whispered and closed her eyes; her hands sliding along Jane's waist, pulling her closer softly.

'I missed you so much,' Jane whispered and laid her hands around Maura's neck, deepening the embrace in every possible way. She felt that this was where she belonged and that this was the only place she wanted to be; the warmth of Maura's body soothed her immediately.

Maura felt Jane's heart beating against her own chest and she never felt more alive and aware of how much she needed this woman right now. She felt Jane's arms tightly wrapped around her body like a soft blanket protecting her from the cold and everything around her that hurt so terribly in the past. Jane buried her face in Maura's neck; greedily inhaling the familiar scent. They stood there for minutes, taking in each other's presence and the emptiness that had drowned Maura day by day was slowly fading. She kept her arms tight around Jane's body when she felt her body shivering with sobs and silently shared her pain and maybe even relief.

After a few minutes of getting lost in each other's arms Jane raised her had and laid her forehead against Maura's; feeling her hot breath on her own cheek and it sent a shiver down her spine.

'Do you have any idea what you're getting yourself into?' Maura whispered and felt her heart hammering against her chest.

'No,' Jane answered honestly. 'Not the slightest, but I'll kiss you now. I didn't do it right the first time,' she whispered and was well aware of her trembling hands when she softly cupped Maura's face with her hands and placed a kiss on her lips; she looked at Maura for a second and had no doubts. She was holding her breath, waiting for more and Jane finally sealed her lips with a kiss.


	25. Chapter 25

**A/N: So, I guess that's it. I'm very sad that this is the last chapter, but it just feels right for me to end it here. I enjoyed it very much, writing it has been a lot of fun for me and I hope you enjoyed the story as much as I did in some way. I didn't plan to have it end like this, actually the only thing I really planned was the first chapter... I just want to thank you for staying with me for so long though I teased you quite a lot with all these cliffhangers. Thank you very much for all your wonderful reviews, they really made my day and it's nice to know that there are some people out there who actually enjoy what I did! And I wanna thank winegirl very much for the messages and all the lovely words! Thank you so very much! **

Maura quietly took Jane's hand and was followed without any further questions. She closed her yes for a second and trusted Maura with all her heart; she knew the way through her friend's house well enough. She'd walked through it so many times that she'd memorized each step already.

Jane was tired; she felt physically and emotionally drained; her mind appeared clouded and she was sure that her hands still trembled a little. Without giving it a second glance Jane knew that Maura was heading for her bedroom and there was a sudden feeling of nervousness spreading inside of her.

_Would she really want that now? _Jane thought and Maura opened the door.

_Am I ready for that? _She thought and waited for Maura to do something.

_I have no idea what to do_, Jane told herself and closed her eyes. _What if I do something wrong? Okay... really, Rizzoli?_

A part of herself wanted to laugh, but she decided not to.

'Are you alright?' Maura asked and put the last pillow away to make more space on the bed. Jane still didn't sit down; she was still hesitant.

'Yes,' Jane answered quietly and looked at her friend who stood at the other side of the bed. 'I... I was just... thinking,' Jane said quietly and her eyes wandered to the bed in front of her and Maura understood why her friend suddenly appeared to be nervous; Jane didn't look at her, but she heard her chuckling.

'What? Jane asked and looked at Maura who was obviously amused; she walked around the bed and stood right in front of her.

'You really thought I would...' Maura said and pointed to the bed. Jane bit her lip and shrugged. Maura laid her arms around her, burying her face in her neck to breath in the familiar scent of Jane before she laid her head on her shoulder.

'I'm tired Jane,' Maura whispered and Jane closed her eyes, wrapping her arms around Maura. The sound of her laughter seemed like the most beautiful thing she heard in a very long time. She closed her eyes and suddenly felt a little ridiculous, but it felt good to laugh with Maura; she couldn't help it and for a moment everything seemed so easy.

'You look tired,' Maura said and cupped Jane's face with her hands to kiss her lips softly.

'It's nice to hear you laughing again,' Jane whispered and the sound of Jane's low voice and her warm breath on her face sent a shiver down her spine; Maura leaned her forehead against Jane's.

'I wanted to be so mad with you Jane Rizzoli,' Maura whispered. 'I really, really wanted to.'

'What made you change your mind?'

'I don't know... you did,' she said and Jane smiled.

'That, my love, sounds quite logical,' Jane said and Maura didn't miss the mocking tone in her voice. She knew it didn't make much sense, but it was the truth.

'You... you just stood there and all my anger was gone. All I could think of was how much I missed you,' she whispered and Jane tightened her arms around her friend.

'I missed you too,' she answered 'I know I've been a little... stupid,' Jane whispered and blinked the fresh tears away. 'And I'm tired of being... like this!' she said and pointed at herself. She was indeed not the person Maura faced at work every day. Her hair was even messier then it usually is, her eyes seemed dull and the dark shadows beneath her eyes were a sign for her lack of sleep. She looked pale and exhausted but it didn't make Maura love her any less.

'We'll be fine,' Maura whispered and took a deep breath; she didn't know if there'd be a 'we' in the future, there were still many things left to talk about but for now she loved the imagination that sooner or later things would be better for both of them. Maura got out of the embrace and laid down on one side of the bed.

'Feel free to use the guest room...' Maura said but Jane ignored her and carefully sat down on the edge of the bed.

She reached out and tucked a few strands of hair behind Maura's ear. The blonde watched her laying down and gratefully welcomed Jane in her arms as she snuggled up to her. Maura laid her head on Jane's shoulder; her arm around Jane's stomach. She silently listened to her friend's even breath and a part of her hoped that this wasn't just another nightmare she had yet to wake up from.

'Jane?' Maura asked after a few minutes of silence.

'Mhm?'

'What made you change your mind? Maura asked without moving.

'Frost did,' Jane simply answered and Maura lifted her head.

'Frost?'

'He dropped by to tell me how stupid I was!'

'I really have to thank him one day...' Maura said more to herself and leaned back again. They went back to silence until Jane broke it; finally asking what troubled her ever since.

'Why did you leave?' she asked quietly. 'After you yelled at me... you could've slapped me after... you know... or tell me how stupid I was...' Jane said. 'I'd probably deserved it.'

'I don't know Jane,' Maura said calmly. 'I was afraid and... totally confused.'

'I wanted to hold you back, you know?' Jane said and Maura looked at her again. 'When I realized what I did I went downstairs but you were gone already.'

Maura shifted a little; her body perfectly matched Jane's and it made her feel safe. She took Jane's hand, their fingers entwined.

'I guess my mum actually felt sorry for me...' Jane said.

'Doesn't she always?'

'I mean, really sorry. She didn't even try to dig for some information about... she just dropped it.'

'About what?' Maura wanted to know and somehow had an idea about the hings that might've troubled her.

'You,' Jane said and looked at their hands. 'I guess you weren't the only one who was scared.'

'Yeah,' Maura whispered. 'I actually have to thank your mum too.'

'What for?' Jane wanted to know.

'She was wonderful, you know,' Maura began to explain. 'When you were in surgery... she... she was there for me,' Jane said and she didn't miss the sadness in her voice.

'I'm glad she did and you weren't alone,' Jane whispered and meant it.

'I really wish I had a mum like yours...'

'Wow...' Jane answered.

'It's not that I didn't love my parents, but...' she said and tried to find the right words. 'Did I ever really tell you anything about my parents? Maura asked.

'No,' Jane answered and remembered that there were many things she didn't know about her.

'I will tell you one day,' Maura said. 'Just not tonight.'

'Okay.'

Maura gladly surrendered to sleep: ignoring the time of day. She'd secretly been afraid of going to sleep; knowing that there would be nightmares disturbing the peaceful night. She'd lie saying that she wasn't afraid any longer but at least she wouldn't be alone when she woke up. Jane watched Maura sleeping soundly next to her; she appeared so calm in the sema-darkness of the night. It almost seemed like nothing changed but Jane knew there were many things that needed to be talked about.

It'd take a while until she'd go back to work; that was a fact she had to face. Somehow it had all changed now; it didn't seem that bad any longer, she'd do whatever it takes. She was done with being weak. She hoped that they'd be able to figure it all out without loosing their friendship or one another. She couldn't life without Maura but she'd taken the risk when she allowed herself to fall in love with Maura; a part of her knew that it'd happened a long time ago.

How would they react at work? Jane knew that there was lots of gossip concerning Maura and herself, but what if it was actually true? She'd dealt with bad guys so many times that it suddenly seemed ridiculous to be afraid of admitting her feelings to the person she loved, or anyone else for that matter.

What about her family? For them Maura was already a part of her family. Frankie knew and so does her mum. The best thing she could do was wait and see what was going to happen. It couldn't all be easy and Jane was aware of that; that would be boring.

She sighed and Maura moved next to her; she turned toward Jane. She laid her arm around Maura and waited quietly for her to go back to sleep; she didn't want to wake her up.

'You should try to get some sleep...' Maura whispered sleepily and took Jane's hand; it was her reassurance that she was still there.

'I'm sorry, I didn't mean to wake you up,' Jane said and Maura leaned back; Jane was laying on her side, watching Maura for a moment.

'What is it?' Maura asked; she knew there was something that kept her from getting some sleep. Jane's right hand rested on Maura's cheek and she leaned forward to kiss her softly.

'I love you Maura Sofia Isles,' Jane whispered and looked into her eyes; she knew that everything she did was right. Maura seemed stunned by her words and Jane saw the tears glistening in her eyes; she bit her lips and closed her eyes for an instant and Jane wiped a tear away with her thumb.

'I love you too Jane,' she answered and they kissed for a long time and neither one even considered going back to sleep.

Jane thought that the silence between them had never been more soothing.

'How did you know?' Maura asked after a while.

'Sofia?' Jane asked and Maura smiled. 'I'm a detective, remember? Most of the time...'

'So... you checked my personal information?'

'I would never do that.'

'I know.'

'I was just curious... about the name.'

'You could've asked,' Maura suggested.

'That would've spoiled it all. I've known it for a while but I just needed the perfect moment to let you know.'

They spent the rest of the night in silence and when Jane finally went to sleep, the sun started to rise.

**A/N: Just a little shameless pimping... I'm already writing a new story. It'll be a NCIS/Rizzoli & Isles (Rizzles) crossover! Stay tuned, I guess the first chapter will be posted very soon! Let me know what you think! **


End file.
